Victim of Divorce

I once read the title on a movie poster that caught my attention. It said, Girl, Interrupted. I’ve never seen the film but the title struck me as very descriptive of many women today and of my own personal story.

Of all the things that can “interrupt” the emotional and spiritual development of a young woman, there’s one that often goes unnoticed because of its indirect nature: the termination of your parent’s marriage covenant. I am the daughter of divorced parents.

I vividly remember the day my father moved out of our home. My mother took my sisters and me to the county fair. My parent’s plan was to have my father pack-up and leave before we returned. Before we left, I found my dad and said, “Dad, I want to stay home with you.” I normally would never pass up an opportunity to ride on “The Octopus” but sensed something was not right. My dad insisted that I go. I felt more determined to stay and moved closer to him. He looked really distressed and backed away so I couldn’t touch him. Suddenly, it felt like something was unraveling within me and a bizarre sense of confusion stepped in between us. No more was said and I was off to the fair to have a good time--feeling sad, rejected and confused.

When we returned home that afternoon, my mom dropped the bomb. “Your father and I are getting a divorce.” My heart sank, and felt numb. My twelve year old sensibilities were unable to process this unfolding tragedy. Even though it was essentially the death of our family, no one cried. I just remember feeling a great sadness descend on my heart and seeking solitude to relieve the pain.

Our family seemed nearly idyllic. Perhaps that’s why I felt the loss so profoundly. Neither of my parents thought this would happen to them, but the enemy was cunning. Choices were made and the damage was done. It was not in vogue to seek counseling for a troubled marriage in the 1970’s, let alone speak of it. Divorce seemed the only solution for betrayed trust and broken hearts.

I’m sure my mom had her times of private tears, but she put on a brave face, determined to keep everything as normal as possible. “You’ll still see your father,” she assured us, “he just won’t be living here anymore.” Simple, right? I think everyone hoped it would be. But, covenants can’t be broken without consequences. In the case of divorce, the damage to the children is unavoidable and yet not immediately recognizable. My maturing process basically broke down. I was at an age when my father’s influence should have been increasing in my life. Now it was relegated to “visits”–often uncomfortable ones because of unspoken feelings of regret and sorrow. My budding womanhood needed a father’s consistent affection, protection and confidence in who I was becoming. My father tried to give all those things, but the divorce reduced the flow to a trickle. He couldn’t freely delight in me as his daughter anymore. His love felt ambivalent. Looking back, I see that ambivalent love was at the heart of my emotional problems.

For years, I was unconscious of the emotional wound I carried. Confusion in relationships (particularly with men), battles with self-acceptance and a lingering sadness in my heart were the new normal. Thankfully, I had become a Christian in my early teens. Though this largely filled my love deficit, God waited until I reached adult age to begin the real healing. First, He had to expose the wound. During a college mission trip to Mexico City, I lived with a very poor and wonderful Mexican family. Being dependent on them for everything, we quickly bonded. When it came time to say goodbye, I was caught unaware. I found myself weeping uncontrollably. The warmth and closeness of this family exposed the brokenness of my own. I returned to the U.S. an emotional basket case. With a broken and needy heart, I sought counsel from godly mentors and professionals who all helped me identify my underlying need: to acknowledge the truth of the divorce’s effects on me and to grieve my losses.

I began to ask my parents a lot of questions. This was not easy. It meant digging up painful memories. Yet, it was necessary to look at what happened with adult eyes. As I honestly faced the past, huge emotions surfaced, including anger. This scared me at first, but I learned not to deny what I was really feeling, no matter how ugly it was. Alienation from my father’s family, splitting holidays between both parents, and the pain of watching my mother date and break up with several men were just some of the secondary consequences that made me really angry. After the anger subsided, tears began to flow. Each time I allowed myself to feel and put voice to these emotions, healing occurred deep in my soul. The maturing process rebooted and worked itself through my entire being. I even noticed changes in my physical body. I was unburdening my heart and maturing simultaneously, feeling lighter and more alive! As John 8:32 says, knowing the truth was setting me free. As for my parents, I think it was important for them to see my struggle and for me to gain perspective on theirs. By revisiting the past and gaining greater insight into what happened, I learned what I needed to forgive. This led to relationships with my parents that were far more meaningful.

I think I understand why God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16). It pulls apart the very unit he has designed to shape and build our character and personality. And this affects the next generation, our communities and nation. Destinies are at stake. I recently took part in a study on covenants. We looked at Malachi 2:15, “Has not the Lord made them one? And why one? Because He was seeking godly offspring”. My notes explained, “This breaking of faith leaves the children’s souls wandering in confusion, seeking an oneness that has been broken and lost.” God detests divorce because broken families disrupt His ultimate goal: our oneness with Him.

Even though divorce is so prevalent and widely accepted, let us not forget the burden it has laid on the children. I often think of the effects divorce has had on our nations. So few have seen the sacrifice it takes to overcome relational hardships and we’ve cheapened the very institution God intended to bless us. We desperately need to be learning how to pass covenantal love on to the next generation. As for me, the effects of going through a parental divorce still haunt my journey on earth. If it wasn’t for God in my life, the effects would have been much worse.

I’ve learned He can heal the unique wounds of a girl interrupted. But what a long and twisting detour I’ve traveled.

NAME WITHHELD
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Marriages That Last!

A while back, our dear neighbors, Ron and Joan Neall celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. Joan looked absolutely beautiful wearing her wedding gown. Not many can wear their wedding gown 50 years later, can they? Over the years, the white dress had turned golden. Being a golden wedding anniversary, it fitted the occasion perfectly. Their family put on a video presentation of their lives and even a recreation of their wedding day service, including a sermonette from the minister who married them. This minister was actually Joan’s father. I was moved to tears as I listened, so much so, that I asked them to release it to Above Rubies. I know you will be blessed as you read these words delivered 50 years ago. This minister and his wife were married for 59 years, although his wife lived on for another ten years.

Isn’t it wonderful to hear of these faithful marriages? My own parents would have been married for just on 60 years when my mother passed away. At this time of writing, Colin and I have been married for 46 years. Our 50th anniversary is not too long away. Marriage is more than a commitment to one another for life. Marriage is a commitment to the generations to follow. A strong marriage that is faithful to the end, not only blesses the children from that marriage, but their grandchildren and the generations to come. When a marriage breaks up, the continuity of the generations is disturbed. It is important that couples not only think of themselves when facing marriage conflict, but realize that marriage is a blessing to continuing generations.

Many couples face conflict in marriage. But this is not an excuse to end a marriage. You don’t run from conflict. You look for ways to overcome. I have dear friends who have not had an easy marriage, but because of their commitment to their marriage vows, they made the decision to stay in their marriage. They have learned to live together over the years. Now, over forty years later, they truly enjoy one another. They live in peace and happiness together. This testimony is reiterated many times. We should not make decisions on a current crisis, but in the light of future generations.

I have just received a phone call hearing of yet another husband who has left his wife for another woman! I believe it is time we took a stand against this terrible “wimpiness” as my husband calls it. I remember growing up in a small town in New Zealand. If something like this happened in the town, the person would be disgraced in the eyes of Christian and non-Christian alike. Now, all these years later, it is becoming accepted, even in Christian circles. I believe that it is time that we took a stand against such destruction upon the family. Every faithful friend and acquaintance should challenge and plead with those who are tempted by the evil one to leave their covenantal marriage and the precious children whom God has given them.

NANCY CAMPBELL
Editress of Above Rubies, Email Nancy

Wedding Sermonette

By Pastor E. L. Minchin

Naught but loving hearts can make a happy home. There may be wealth, honor of men, beautiful furnishings, plenty of things but these never make a happy home. Nothing but love, love for the Father above and love for one another can bring true peace and joy to the home circle. Sometimes there is in the heart love which remains unexpressed. This is like a world which has a sun but dark clouds prevent its warmth and comfort shining through. If illness comes, if death divides, then love finds words and expresses itself in deeds, but it may be too late then to satisfy the hungry heart of husband or wife.

A good home is an invincible armor that protects us in the evil world. If there is no love for home, something is wrong. In his own home a man is necessary. It is he, not another whose coming is waited for, longed for, grieved for. It matters little elsewhere whether he comes or goes. There he reveals his failures and is not ashamed. There he confesses his sins and is forgiven. He shares his inmost soul with no other but the one whom he has made queen of his heart and home.

The wife in the ideal home is quickly recognized by a brooding tenderness. She scorns to utter words of blame and to be irritable. She will not wreck the evening’s joy by careless, unloving words that cause the forehead to become anxious and bring a mist to the eyes.

It is a great attainment for two frail, sinful hearts to become one. Two different musical instruments are not easily kept in tune. There must be constant adjusting and tuning. What can be expected then of two human hearts with a thousand strings to be kept in unison and harmony? In keeping the wedded harps in tune the husband must do his part and the wife, hers.

Husband and wife will cleanse themselves from all selfishness which fails to safeguard their hours of companionship. He will exert his best powers to become worthy of her hovering love. She will preserve the faith so dear to both in the hours of courtship, but there will be trials hard to meet that must be born together. Though difficulties, perplexities and discouragements may arise, let neither husband nor wife harbor the thought that their union is a mistake or a disappointment. Determine to be all that is possible to be to each other. Continue the early attentions. In every way encourage each other in fighting the battles of life. Study to advance the happiness of each other. Let there be mutual love, mutual forbearance. Their marriage instead of being the end of love will be as it were the very beginning of love. The warmth of true friendship, the love that binds heart to heart is indeed a foretaste of the joys of heaven.

The wife is truly the homemaker. Upon her management, good judgment, neatness, order, taste, energy, cheerfulness, depends the structure we call “home”. It is her business, her calling to bring inside the walls of her dwelling an indefinable atmosphere that rests a tired man and makes him hasten his steps as he turns the last corner. Here peace, rest, hope, culture, companionship make the home a haven to body and soul.

The husband is the house-band, the one who strongly binds all members of the family together. A man on the street in a severe storm was passing under a tree when a weary, frightened bird dropped from above, lighted on his bosom and crept under his coat for shelter. So should every wife find in her husband’s heart the protection, the comfort, the rest she needs when buffeted by the storms of life.

Every pure, happy home is a fortress held for God in this revolted world. No wonder the enemy of purity and happiness is working with all power and strategy to bring disunion and strife and hatred into it, thus breaking down the safeguard of the individual, the family, the church and the nation. There is a court of last appeal which can settle every difficulty in married life. This is the supreme authority of the Word of God. Those who direct their lives by its counsel will never know defeat.

May your earthly home become as a little heaven below where preparation is made to enter heaven above.

“Two birds within one nest,
Two hearts within one breast,
Two spirits in one fair,
Firm league of love and prayer.
Together bound for aye,
Together blest.

An ear that waits to catch
A hand upon the latch;
A step that hastens its sweet rest to win,
A world of care without,
A world of strife shut out
A world of love shut in.”

- Dora Greenwood

Husbands Need Encouraging

“A word of encouragement does wonders.”
Proverbs 12:25 TLB

Make the Weekends Special

My husband, Jeff, works long hours during the week so I try to make his weekends worthy of “bragging rights” on Monday at work. I make sure he sleeps in while I wake up early with our toddler and make him a special breakfast. The morning and afternoon is his to enjoy.

Whatever he wants to do is what we do. And, I do it joyfully. What Jeff wants to do is not always the most fun, like digging trenches, spreading compost, or going to the comic book shop. But, I still do it without complaint and with a smile.

This Saturday we met our family at the cider mill and picked apples. On Sunday we took a long motorcycle ride after church.

When Jeff says to me, "I wish I had more time, I would love to do this..." I take a mental note and make it happen. Making the weekends special for Jeff often means a lot of work for me, but when he leaves for his job on Monday morning and says, "Amber, I'm going to miss you. I didn't want the weekend to end," it is worth every sacrifice.

AMBER ARNOLD
Casco Twp, Michigan, USA
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Daddy Alarm

At our house we have a "Dad Alarm.” This is a recurring alarm that I set on my cell phone. It goes off one hour before my husband arrives home from work. It reminds my children to clean up any messes around the house and tidy themselves up. It reminds the older children and me to start supper. It also reminds me to make sure my clothes are fresh, to fix my make up and my hair and say a prayer for my big sweet hubby.

To be honest, we are not as consistent with this as I would like to be. Sometimes the alarm goes off and I ignore it, thinking to myself "too busy." But when we are consistent, the results are not only a blessing to my husband, but a blessing to our whole household. My husband is never "too busy" to go to work to provide for his family and this family should never be to busy to provide a warm, clean, "Welcome Home" for him.

JULIE BANTON
Pierson Station, Illinois,, USA
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Love Letters

Once a month or so I pull out some pretty paper and write to my husband. If I don't have pretty paper, I draw hearts and flowers on blank paper. Sometimes I glue pictures of us together to the front of construction paper. I express how much I love and appreciate him. This way he knows that the "little" things he does don't go unnoticed. I often talk about our dreams for the future which spurs him on to "fight the good fight."

I put my love letter in his lunch box, on the seat of his work car, under his pillow, or by the bathroom sink for him to find in the morning. I know my husband enjoys these love letters because for several days after receiving one, he has a huge smile on his face and holds his head up a little higher!

RASHEA COX
Talent, Oregon, USA.
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One Good Thing

One day, about two years after we were married, it dawned upon me that this man I married was not all I had imagined. I started questioning what I was really doing being married to him. I could no longer see anything good--only the bad! These thoughts soon reflected in my behaviour toward him.

Fortunately, I found an article where I was encouraged to look for ONE good thing in my husband and thank God for it. Not only did I do that, but I also thanked God for that quality when we prayed aloud together, e.g., “Thank you, God for Chris and his patience with the children.”

This article also encouraged me to thank God for his manliness. I started thanking God in our prayers together for his strong muscles and the way he uses them to provide for us. Chris would thank me for my prayers and walk with a lighter step.

These prayers continued. My focus on one Christ-like quality grew and grew until I could no longer see the faults and thought more and more of my husband’s fine qualities. In the process, Chris was greatly encouraged. Even today, the most encouraging thing that I can do for him is to pray aloud for him and specifically thank God for his Christ-like qualities.

JANICE WILLS
Wairoa, East Coast, New Zealand
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Leave a Voice Mail

When my husband is feeling stressed or having a rough time at work I like to call his office and leave him a voice mail. I make sure to call right after he leaves the house.

When he gets to work, it’s on his voice mail. I tell him how much I respect him and his commitment to provide for our family, how much I appreciate all the hard work he does for us, and how proud I am of him for sticking with it even when it is very difficult. He saves the message and listens to it again when he needs a boost!

GINA McINTOSH
Fort Collins, Colorado, USA
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Cheer him on!

Over a year ago my husband cut off his left thumb. I try to point out to him the many things that he does with one thumb (like plumbing for instance) that a lot of men with two thumbs still cannot do. I think this encourages him to see how far he has come in his recovery. When he feels frustrated or discouraged, it is good for him to hear me say that in my eyes he is an overcomer!

BECKY MESSER
Missionaries in San-Pedro, Cote d'Ivoire, West Africa. When in USA they live in Winston-Salem, North Carolina.
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Actions Speak Louder than Words

Almost every day, for 22 years, I have got up with my husband at 4:45 am, ironed his shirt, packed his lunch and made his coffee. The only times I have not done this were when I was in the hospital after delivering a baby and on rare occasions when sick.

Many friends have told me that I am crazy and that I should do all this the night before and sleep in. I tried this the first time someone gave me that advice and never did it again. I can be sleepy, achy, irritated or just selfish on some mornings, but I have chosen to put that behind me and act kindly towards my husband.

It has blessed us both over the years. The Lord has taught me that acting lovingly and encouraging my husband is more important than how I feel at that moment.

I want my husband to know that this is OUR time together. My husband travels 75 minutes to work each day (with good traffic!) and often there are accidents. I have the comfort of knowing that if God called him home, our last words to each other will have been "I love you."

The second way I encourage my husband is by having dinner ready when he comes home. Even if it is not quite finished, to have something smelling good and nearly ready is a great blessing to him. I have noticed that he is so happy when he can sit and eat a fragrant, hot meal right away.

SANDRA GRAMMER
Aberdeen, Maryland, USA
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Dress to Please

Recently I have begun to honour my husband by dressing more femininely and lovely to look upon. I wear far more skirts than before. I wear bright colours and take care with my hair and make-up. My husband loves to come home and be greeted by a wife who has made a real effort to please him. He always says he loves me no matter what I look l like, but he is encouraged to know I love him enough to spend the extra time to delight him.

LOUISE SHAW
Geraldine, South Canterbury, New Zealand
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Sing Him a Song

My husband, Jim is in sales which has its ups and downs, much like a roller coaster. I started to sing to my husband when he closed a sale, "I'm proud of you, I'm proud of you, Oh yes, I'm so proud of you. Boop, Boop, Dee, Do!" Much to my surprise, it really spurred him on. He tries his hardest to get as many sales each day as he can, so he can call and hear me sing his reward. I know this really showed him how much I appreciate him going out and working hard for our family.

ANGI MARTIN
Crete, Illinois, USA
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Little Things

This is what I have learned to do to bless my husband.

1. Listen to him without any comments or advice.

2. Give him a five minute shoulder rub when he does not expect it.

3. Smile at him - a lot!

4. Ask him how his day was without including anything about my own day.

LORI CHIRICO
Lithia, Florida, USA
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T- Shirts

I special ordered a T-shirt that says, I Ü• Doug. He is a fire-fighter so another one I wear says, I'm In Love with a Firefighter. He gets a kick out of it.

DALYN WELLER
Yakima, Washington, USA
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Pick-me-up Binder

For my husband, Jeremy's 33rd birthday, I asked family and close friends to send their words of encouragement to me via email--a favorite memory, a letter, a poem, verse of Scripture or a word of encouragement from the Lord. I then compiled these messages into a binder that Jeremy can read when he needs a pick-me-up.

LORIE DILLER
Upland, Indiana, USA
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The Reward

Our van recently needed a new battery. My husband, Larry, checked on the price. Over $100 installed! He looked at me and said, "I can find it cheaper." He did. But, installing a battery on our van is rather labor intensive and involves removing much of the housing around the battery. Gathering courage Larry said, "I'm going to go out there and rip it apart myself!"

I cheered him on as he left with all three boys in tow. Pretty soon our oldest stuck his head in the door and declared, "Mom, Dad says that he almost has all the necessary parts removed." I replied, "You tell your Dad that if he succeeds, then he'll get a GREAT BIG kiss from me!"

Well, that just set them off! They came back a few minutes later and beamed as they reported, "He's putting the new battery in place!" I said, "You'd better tell him to start puckering up. I'm sucking on a lemon to be sure I have a REALLY big pucker ready for him." They giggled and gave him my message.

Soon they reported, "Mom, the new battery is installed and everything is back in place!" As they looked at me expectantly, I said, "Tell Daddy that he has to test it out before claiming his reward".

They raced outside with me close at their heels. Soon the engine roared to life and three boys yelled, "He did it!" Then six eyes watched (and who knows how many neighbors) as I grabbed their dad and laid a huge congratulatory kiss on him. The children applauded!

This was also an encouragement to our children to see me take the time to thank their father for a job well done. And, of course, it was a lot of fun, too!

HOPE WARE
Peoria, Illinois, USA
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Surprise Birthday

My husband, Karl, had been going through a difficult time around his birthday. I got an idea. I gave him a card for his birthday, asking him out to supper.

During the day I packed everything we would need for camping. I packed fun treats, his favorite game, and a book to read together. Some friends went to a camp ground and set up their camper for us to stay in. That evening we dropped our son off at grandpa and grandma's, my husband thinking we were just going out for supper.

After supper I gave my husband another card inviting him to spend the weekend with me. He was completely surprised! It was a blessing to have time together and be able to enjoy some time away without expensive hotel costs!

Karl and I also enjoy talking on instant messenger. Often I go online while he is on his way to work and leave him encouraging messages. When he has to be gone over night, I put love notes throughout his belongings--in his billfold, razor bag, with his pajamas, etc. It is fun thinking of the surprise he will have when he opens his bag.

SARAH SNEATH
Salina, Kansas, USA
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Ten Tips

The following is my "top ten" list of things I like to do to encourage my husband:

1. When he is traveling I sneak a card or love note into his suitcase.

2. When he is taking a sack lunch to work I have made for him, I put in a picture that the children drew especially for him.

3. On a work day when he has something especially tough ahead, I leave an encouraging note on the dashboard of his car.

4. In the morning I make his coffee and breakfast.

5. I sneak a peak at his "to do" list and find things I can do for him.

6. When he leaves the house, the children and I all huddle around the front window and wave goodbye to him as he drives away, waving to him the American Sign Language “I love you” sign and yelling loud enough to wake all the neighbors up, "Bye, we love you!"

7. I call him at work every day at noon to check in, say “I love you” and ask him if there is anything he needs me to do. I've done this so consistently for the past nine years that he gets concerned if I happen to be a little late in calling.

8. I regularly thank him for being such a good provider and working hard so that I can stay home with the children. I also tell him what a great father he is and point out when his fathering skills are especially good in a certain area.

9. When he comes from work, my goal is to greet him with the five senses. This is what I try to do:

SIGHT

When he comes through the door, I have myself, the children and the house looking presentable.

TOUCH

When he comes through the door, I greet him with warm hugs, kisses and maybe even a little back rub!

SOUND

When he comes through the door…

• I do not talk on the phone. Everyone I speak with regularly on the phone knows that when I hear my husband driving up the driveway the phone call ends.

• I have the television off (unless it is his Monday night football game.)

• No whining, crying or screaming children.

• I save my need to speak with him about all the issues of the day until later, and greet him only with words of blessing and "I'm so glad your home.”

• Sometimes I have some of his favorite relaxing music playing--praise music, jazz, or other soothing music.

SMELL

My husband loves to have dinner ready when he walks in the door. The smell of food cooking is so comforting.

TASTE

If dinner is not ready, I have a little plate of appetizers for him to munch on while he waits, such as cheese and crackers, chips and salsa, etc.

10. I pray diligently for him.

GINA C.

Hugs and Kisses

Quality time with one another is a must and has a positive effect on the children as well. When Dad and Mom are passionately in love, the children will thrive.

My husband and I always make a practice of hugging and kissing after we have a meal together, before he leaves and when he comes home from work. The children don’t miss much. When they see us hugging, they come running to do the same.

Another thing that has blessed our marriage is our chat time before bed. It's a great time to unwind, share the details of our day and a kiss and a hug always seals it.

I daily tell my spouse how much I love him and that I couldn't imagine life without him. Our marriage is a daily commitment, not a once and done thing.

JEWEL NOLT
Lititz, Pennsylvania, USA
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Keep Your Mouth Shut

For as long as I've known my husband of 19 years he has battled low self-esteem. The greatest way I encourage him is to keep my mouth shut at "critical" times. It’s so easy to say, "I told you so--you should have listened to me!" when he makes a mistake, big or small.

I still have bouts of opening my mouth and then biting my tongue before saying too much. It’s a constant, daily battle to keep the doors of my mouth under tight surveillance.

I try to give my opinion only when my husband asks for it. When he doesn't, it is hard to watch my husband make mistakes, even with our finances. However, I enjoy watching the Lord work in my husband's heart, something that I can only influence but not truly change. Trust is key.

I know God wants what is best for His children, just as I do for mine. I want my husband to feel the freedom to lead and to watch him grow in faith and spiritual understanding is exciting.

Even though I am scared to death of the unknown territory we've begun to climb, my spirit feels victorious because I'm holding to God's unchanging hand. As long as I can help my dear hubby hang onto Him through prayer and submission, nothing else matters.

ANGELA PRINE
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Nothing Better than Prayer

I believe the greatest way we can encourage our husband is through our prayers. Here are some questions I ask myself. I found these questions on the web, www.doorposts.net/Samples/aul_prayer.pdf, but have added my own comments.

1. Do I earnestly pray for my husband's spiritual growth and wisdom as he leads our family?

I pray that my husband seeks to know God and His plans for his life and I pray Paul’s prayer in Colossians.1:9-12 for him. I pray earnestly for my husband as he leads our family. I pray that he will actively seek God in all that he does. I pray for the Lord's wisdom as he answers our children's questions about spiritual matters.

2. Do I pray for my husband in his work, his leadership responsibilities, and his relationships with others?

As my husband interacts with the people he contacts at work, I pray he will lead a godly and honest life, one that reflects the saving grace of the Lord Jesus Christ. I pray that those around him might see the difference that God has made in his life. How often we forget that our husband's mission field is his workplace.

3. Do I pray for a reverent heart and submissive response to my husband?

I have learned that neglecting my spiritual walk to do other seemingly important tasks benefits no one, especially me. I serve the Lord through serving my husband. I am learning God's will as I show reverence to my husband. I cannot be the wife that God has created me to be if my heart is not right with Him. (Psalm 139:23-24)

4. Do I pray for my husband’s relationship with each of our children?

In Malachi 4:6 it says that a father's heart is to be turned towards his children. I pray daily that my husband’s heart is turned toward his children. I pray that he will see the individual needs of each child and that God will guide him as he interacts with them. A great book is Keeping Our Children's Hearts by Steve and Teri Maxwell.

5. Do I pray for my husband when I know he is going through times of testing and hardship?

We are to “bear one another's burdens.” (Galatians. 6:2) We need to be mindful of what our husband's are going through. I make it a point to find out what is bothering my husband so I can pray specifically. I will ask him, “How can I pray for you today?”

6. Do I pray for my husband to be strong in his particular areas of weakness and temptation?

I know that many temptations face my husband daily. I usually try to pray a pray of protection over him as he walks out the door each morning. It is getting harder for a man to stand strong in this world when everything relates to a humanistic value system with no fear of the Lord. But God will deliver the godly out of temptation. (2 Peter. 2:9)

7. When my husband is in sin or when I believe he is making an unwise decision, do I humbly entreat him and then earnestly, patiently, and quietly pray for God to lead him?

I sometimes lash out at my husband if he is wrong or making a bad decision. How many times have I said something only to regret it two seconds later?

Why don’t I remember God’s word in Exodus 14:14, “The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.”? I know that my husband's heart is in God's hand and He will turn it as He wills. (Proverbs 21:1) As I pray faithfully for God to change my husband’s heart, I try not to say “I told you so” when God does change his heart. I must give the glory to the Lord for He deserves the praise.

8. Do I pray for my husband when he has offended me, or do I criticize and harbor bitterness?

Forgiveness is hard. How God forgave us I will never understand. Only by His grace. I pray that God will hold my tongue in situations like this. In Proverbs 21:9 and 19 it says that it is better to be anywhere else than with a brawling angry women. I am a miserable woman to live with when I have been (or think I have been) wronged.

It is important to be open with your husband about your feelings. I am usually surprised my husband didn't even know he had hurt me. I pray for the Lord to help me forgive, move on and forget. What if God kept on recalling our past sins all of the time? Let us not do this to our beloved husbands.

My favorite verse to help me to remember to pray for my husband is 1 Samuel 12:23a “Moreover as for me, God forbid that I should sin against the Lord in ceasing to pray for you.” I sin against the Lord by not praying for my husband.

HEIDI KEMP
Nassau, Bahamas
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I'd Have to be Crazy!

I turned on the news the other day and a book flashed onto the screen, “Better to be Single than Sorry”. The author, a thirty year old woman, told the reporter that now that she is no longer in her twenties, she has “wizened up”. She doesn't need a man to be happy. So far she has turned down three marriage proposals. When asked why, she responded that she'd rather be single than start a family with Mr. Okay instead of Mr. Right.

More and more women are delaying marriage or deciding against it altogether. Fifty one percent of women in the United States are now single. This is a record high.

Why are women less anxious to get married these days? The author thinks it is largely because women are more educated. Right now, women outnumber men in colleges by 1.3 to one. They can provide for themselves just as well as a man can and this independence often pushes marriage out of their plans. Men are simply not living up to their standards.

The news item then flashed to footage of the author talking and laughing with her single girlfriends at a restaurant. The underlying message was that she had chosen the right path.

I felt very sorry for this woman and for all those who will read her book. The sweet memory of my husband's kiss goodbye that morning as he left for work still lingered with me. I remembered how safe and warm our home felt the night before when he arrived home and the children rushed to climb all over him. It felt wonderful to snuggle on the couch together after the children were in bed and laugh as we talked about their antics during the day.

The aforementioned author will be waiting a long time for Mr. Perfect and it is more likely he will never show. Will she still be smiling so much when she is forty and childless? What about when she is fifty and all alone? Will she regret her decision to be single when she is sixty and wonders what might have been had she accepted one of those marriage proposals?

Every man has his flaws, as we all do. Even a “Mr. Right” can appear to turn into “Mr. Okay” after a few years of marriage. The divorce rate reflects this. God's plan is the only one that works. If we learn to do as Ephesians chapter five outlines and 'honor our husbands' rather than putting them on a measuring stick, we enable the Mr. Right inside them to stick around.

Of course we shouldn't jump into marriage. It is a prayerful decision and there are exceptions like Mother Theresa who devoted her life to nurturing orphans. This doesn't change God's plan for us from the very beginning.

God told us in Genesis, chapter one that a man and woman would become one flesh. He knows what's best for us. Our bodies were designed to bear children. With more women staying single, there are a record number of women in this country who are childless. According to a recent census, women with higher incomes have the highest childless rates. Bearing children, especially before the age of 24 offers long term protection against many reproductive diseases. Uh-Oh, the average age for first time childbirth is now above 25. This average has jumped up three years in a little over a decade alone.

The results are starting to come in--reproductive cancers are rising and ovarian cancer is soaring to alarming rates. The failure to experience lactation and childbirth appears to cause malfunctions which frequently result in health problems for women later in life. The U.S. Health Department declares childbirth as the most important known factor in preventing ovarian cancer. Women who have never had children are twice as likely to develop ovarian cancer. The more full term births a woman has, the lower her risk for this disease.

This is also true for breast cancer. Women who are more likely to delay childbirth by pursuing careers have higher breast cancer risks than their counterparts. Women who breast feed for at least two years cut their breast cancer risks by about half. Their risks go down for every following birth and year of breast feeding. Any woman who has breastfed for seven years out of her life decreases her risk for breast cancer by more than ninety percent.

Studies also reveal that having few or no children is a risk for endometrial cancer. Women in underdeveloped nations who frequently have six or seven children rarely get this disease. A recent study at Harvard School of Public Health has found that women who have had three or more children have nearly 40 percent less risk of lung cancer, whether they smoke or not. The risk for lung cancer also declines with the increasing number of births a woman has.

1 Timothy 2 15 makes more sense than ever before when it says, “Women shall be saved in childbearing.” Once again, science proves God's Word true.

Childbirth has also been shown to have a positive impact on women's mental health. A 1992 Canadian study that examined more than a thousand women found that married women with children had the highest levels of psychological well being compared to women who did not have children. The researcher concluded that “Childless women don't really get much out of giving up having children.”

With all the voices out there saying marriage isn't worth it, I'd like to offer my own. “Oh, yes it is,” I say. Sure, there are times when it is challenging, but anything good requires some work. Why would anyone want to give up such a precious gift? Not only does it make sense, it is truly rewarding. Here are five things I love about being married.

1. Being loved.

I think we take this one too lightly. Let's give it the respect it deserves. When someone chooses to love you above all others and cling to you for the rest of your life, this is no small thing. In a sense, it is a miracle in itself. To think my husband chose to love me out of every other woman in the world! I could have happy thoughts all day dwelling on this point alone. To think he would even lay his life down for me! That is a God-given love from a man to his wife. It is something to be grateful for and handle with care.

2. Having a Protector.

I'll admit that sometimes I feel like my husband is a little too protecting. He can't stand for me to be home late if I have to go out in the evening. The frown on his face when I get home says it all. He doesn't like not being there to physically protect me from danger. This protective instinct is another God-given gift that husbands offer their wives. The security a husband gives to his wife and children is the perfect buffer from the perils of this world. I know I should accept this instinct with a little more grace..

3. Having a Warm Bed Partner.

There is nothing I love more than going to sleep and feeling my husband’s arms around me. I pity any woman who values drinks with friends more than this. I can't say my husband is my only bed partner though. We still have a couple of little ones who like to join us in the middle of the night. But when we are alone, our bed can be a pretty exciting place. The passing years have only made this better.

4. Having a Provider.

While I may be capable of providing for myself and my children, I am glad my husband is willing to assume this important role. I have the freedom to stay home and answer only to him. I know some men love their job. Many others, like my husband, commit themselves day after day for the sake of their families. My husband drives well over an hour each way to and from work. I'm thankful he loves us enough to do this so I can be home with the children. If not for us, he would simply go back to being a road musician. We know we are worth a lot to him for that sort of sacrifice.

5. Having a Best Friend.

I was one of the many who presumed having a best friend in a husband would be something quite different to what it is. I imagined many hours of soul talk where we would share our deepest emotions. We would shop happily together and discuss in dreamy detail the way we would decorate our home. It makes me giggle now to remember my dreams. Aside from expressing his love for me, I don't believe my husband has ever talked about his emotions in our thirteen years of marriage. Sometimes I wonder if he has any. But then, I probably have enough for both of us. Still, I would rather spend my time with him than anybody else, even if we don't talk about shades of taupe on walls. As a best friend, my husband is a wise counselor, a listener, a comforter, a source of encouragement, and he still makes me laugh.

Would I give all this up to be single? I'd have to be crazy!

PEARL BARRETT

Primm Springs, Tennessee, USA

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Falling Out Of Love?

Do you promise to love, honor and obey, as long as you both shall live? A wedding service always reminds us of the promises we made on our own wedding day, doesn’t it? But what does it mean to love someone? Romantic novelists tell us that love is a whirlwind of shared joy and happiness, intermingled with hearty doses of nights out on the town, candle lit dinners for two, and heart pounding love letters. Psychologists tell us that to love someone is to spend “quality” time together and “communicate.”

All these things are good and surely couples who practice them have experienced a better relationship. But what if you are unequally yoked to an unbeliever? What if your spouse doesn’t act lovingly toward you? What if, right now, the Lord is blessing you with children and you can’t afford to, or have little energy left to pursue the fun dating activities that originally brought you together? Sadly, many couples, when faced with these types of growing pains, feel as though they have “fallen out of love”, seek a separation and ultimately divorce.

God, however, looks at love differently. Biblical love is a verb, a word that indicates action, rather than a noun which would indicate a feeling. We are to lay down our desires for those of another. One pastor put it, “Doing what is best for someone else regardless of the cost to self.”

Many married couples in Biblical times did not even know each other before marriage. Isaac and Rebekah, for example, lived many miles from each other. Others, such as Moses and Zipporah or Jacob and Leah were not even drawn together by a common bond or goal. When Jesus beseeched husbands and wives to love each other, He was not encouraging them to ignite the old flame through whirlwind nights on the town. He was, instead, encouraging us to “be” loving.

1 Corinthians 13 shows us love by God’s standards. It tells us that expressing agape or God’s love is a greater virtue than syrupy speech, indicating that verbalizing love is never as effective as “doing” love. It gives examples of how much greater love is than having exuberant spiritual gifts or giving of your life and possessions in selfless sacrifices.

Love is patient--even when you feel like forcefully expressing yourself.

Love is kind--even when others are not nice to you and you really want to retaliate.

Love is not jealous--especially when hubby comes home too tired to listen after giving all of his energy and time to work and you feel you are going unnoticed.

Love does not brag--even when you want to tell the world about your accomplishments.

Love is not arrogant--but is instead humble, assuming others to be right when they correct us.

Love does not act unbecoming--even when being rude and overbearing would allow you to get your way.

Love does not seek her own--even when it is profitable for you to do so.

Love is not easily provoked--even when you’ve been changing dirty diapers all day and your husband comes home irritated from a long day at work.

Love does not take into account wrong suffered--even when it seems every one is against you or you are openly attacked.

Love does not rejoice in unrighteousness--even when it seems that the other person deserved the ill treatment.

Love rejoices in the truth--even when it seems easier and more beneficial to lie or mislead.

Love bears all things--even when disappointments seem overwhelming.

Love believes all things--even when you’ve been hurt and don’t feel like trusting anyone.

Love hopes all things--even though your visions have been dimmed by years of disappointments.

Love endures all things--especially when you think you can’t endure the people or the circumstances in your life anymore.

Love never fails--even when you feel overwhelmed and your situation seems hopeless.

Love will not crumble when placed in stressful or difficult situations, but instead, remains selflessly faithful, even to the point of death.

ANGELA DECOTEAU

St. Amant, Louisiana, USA