LOVE IN THE HOME

Is it Possible?

It is easy to love people when they are nice to you, isn’t it? It is easy to feel “in love" with your husband when he is amicable to you. It is easy to love your children when they behave the right way. But, what happens when friends and family say nasty things behind your back? How do you feel when your husband is argumentative, or even hostile? Or perhaps even disinterested in you? You don’t feel he loves you any more and your love for him has gone out the door. What about when your children are driving you crazy? What if they disrespect you, or even abuse you? What do you do then?

If love was dependent upon how people react to us, it would not survive. Many relationships are difficult. Sometimes it is easier to feel hate rather than love. But without love family life would fall apart. I am sure you are familiar with the different Greek words for love. The first is eros which is sexual love. It gives pleasure to the senses. It is a God-given love but this kind of love is not enough to hold a marriage together for life. It takes other kinds of love—phileo, storge (which is similar to phileo) and agape.

Phileo is tender affectionate love. It is the love we feel with our emotions. When Paul exhorts the older women to teach the younger women to “love their husbands and to love their children” he uses the word phileo. God wants wives to be affectionate to their husbands. He wants them to be best friends. He wants mothers to tenderly love their children, to nurture, comfort and nourish them. Some marriages live happily together all their lives when both show phileo love to one another. But when phileo love turns off in either the husband or wife, then there are problems. It is then we need another kind of love.

This other kind of love was rarely mentioned in Greek literature until Jesus came. He introduced a love that goes beyond natural feelings and passions. Agape love is God’s love. It is the very character of God. It keeps on loving even when abused and hated. It keeps loving even when the person is ugly and horrible. Agape loves because it wills to love, whereas phileo loves according to how we feel. Agape loves indiscriminately, whereas phileo discriminates. Agape loves unconditionally, whereas phileo is conditional. Agape loves in spite of, whereas phileo loves because of. Agape love never fails, whereas phileo love often fails.

Phileo and agape are both necessary in marriage and family life, and, of course, in all relationships. God loved His son, Jesus Christ with phileo and agape love. To have a successful marriage, or to love in the face of hurt and rejection, we have to add agape to our phileo love. We need agape love for the long haul.

Peter urges us to add agape love to our human affectionate love, “Add to godliness brotherly kindness (philadelphia); and to brotherly kindness love (agape)” (2 Peter 1:7 and 1:22 and 1 Thessalonians 4:9).

Agape love is not in you or me! Agape love is only in Christ. 1 Timothy 1:14 and 2 Timothy 1:13 speak about “the love which is Christ Jesus.” The amazing revelation is that Christ Jesus lives in you and me! Because He lives in us by His Holy Spirit, agape love is in us! In Christ we can love with agape love! This is supernatural. Can you believe it? As we believe it, affirm it, confess it and walk in it by faith, we can love the unlovely, love when abused, love when rejected, love when despitefully used. Oh the power of redemption. Jesus Christ not only redeems us from our sin, but indwells us by His Holy Spirit with all His love, joy, peace and longsuffering.

Agape love cannot be described in one word. As I read through the New Testament I found over 30 descriptions of agape love. Join with me as we discover more of what agape love is all about.

Unfeigned Love

Agape love is not hypocritical. The Knox translation calls it “unaffected love." It is unaffected by circumstances or the behavior of the person.

Genuine and Sincere Love

Romans 12:9 says “Let your love be sincere” (Also2 Corinthians 8:8)

Serving Love

“By love serve one another” (Galatians 5:13). The word serve is doueuo which means to serve like a slave. We don’t serve because we are a slave. We serve because we love. Many times you can feel overwhelmed by the tasks you face as a mother. There is so much work to do. Every sweet little child adds more work. Your husband expects you to do this and do that. Change your thinking. Don’t think of yourself as a servant. Think love. Love loves to serve. Love serves with delight.

Forbearing Love

“Forbearing one another in love” (Ephesians 4:2.) Forbearing means to endure and put up with those who are difficult to put up with! It means to bear patiently with idiosyncrasies that annoy you. This kind of love bears lovingly with the weaknesses of those in your home. I love the Way’s translation of 1 Corinthians 13:4 which says, “Love is long-forbearing.” (By the way, Arthur Way’s translation is a very accurate translation, printed over 100 years ago).

Edifying Love

“Love edifies” (1 Corinthians 8:1; Ephesians 4:16). Love does not pull down. It builds up. Agape love builds up and encourages your husband even when all you can see are his faults. Love looks beyond the faults and finds good things to affirm and encourage. Agape love delights to build up and encourage each one of your children.

Abounding Love

“Abound in love one toward another” (1 Thessalonians 3:12). Agape love is not average love. It is not even a “full to the top” love. It is “flowing over the top” love! The word Greek word, abound is perisseuo. It is an amazing word. It means to "super-abound, to be excessive, to excel, to increase, to have enough and to spare." This reminds me of something I read years ago, “If a little bit of love isn’t effective, increase the dose.” A little bit of love is not enough for many situations. You can only have the victory with massive amounts of love. It is only abounding love that overflows.

Comforting Love

Philippians 2:1-2 talks about “Love’s comforting power.” Oh the bliss of comforting love.

Knitting Together Love

Agape love has the power to knit cold and estranged hearts together. (Colossians 2:2) Try it!

Laboring Love

Love is not only a nice feeling. We prove our love by working hard to bless those God has put in our family. Paul calls it a “labor of love” in 1 Thessalonians 1:3. Be encouraged. When you feel worn out because you have been working hard to care for your family, remember that your hard work is a labor of love! Work is love; and love is work!It is not in vain. God notices. Hebrews 6:10 says, “God is not unrighteous to forget your work and labor of love, which ye have showed toward His name, in that ye have ministered to the saints, and do minister.”

We can also be encouraged from John 3:18, “My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue, but in deed and in truth.” The word deed means "to toil." This is how we show our love. By toiling and laboring hard for those we love. The Way’s translation calls it, “Your toil born of love.” The Knox translation says, “Let us show our love by the true test of action.” We could also call it “actionary" love. It is not just words, but actions.

Pure Love

The consummation of God’s commandment is love that flows from a pure heart. 1 Timothy 1:5 Way says, “The end and object of God’s commandment is the kindling of love, such as springs from a pure heart, a good conscience, and unfeigned faith.” 1 Peter 1:22 enjoins us to love one another with a pure heart.

Forgiving Love

“Be ye kind to one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:32). Love is not love that does not forgive. Even when Jesus faced the greatest abuse that any human could endure, He said, “Father forgive them, they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34).

Undeserving Love

Romans 5:7-8, “For scarcely for a righteous man will one die: yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die. But God commends his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” God loves us, not because we deserve His love, but because He is love. God’s love dwells in us by His Spirit, therefore we also love, not because people deserve it, but because we cannot help loving. We love in spite of whether the person is worthy of our love. This is agape love.

Fervent Love

1 Peter 1:22 tells us to “love one another with a pure heart, fervently.” Also read 1 Peter 4:8. Other translations help us to understand more of what fervently means—heartily, intensely, earnestly, deeply from the heart, wholeheartedly with all your strength, as if your lives depended upon it.” Agape love is not insipid. We don’t love half-heartedly but whole-heartedly!

Never Giving Up Love

We see this love revealed in Jesus when it says in John 13:1, “having loved his own which were in the world, he loved them unto the end.” It is easy to love someone at the beginning, but when they become difficult, defiant, or refuse to receive love, it is tempting to give up. Natural love easily gives up. It is only agape love that keeps on loving until the end, no matter what.

Paul says in 2 Corinthians 12:15, “I will very gladly spend and be spent for you; though the more abundantly I love you the less I be loved.” Maybe you have experienced this also. You pour out love but it is not reciprocated. Don’t give up. Keep loving. Better still, increase your love.

Walking Love

Ephesians 5:2 says, “Walk in love, as Christ loves us and gave himself up for us.” Love is not stagnant. It is not something we leave behind when we start each day. It should walk with us into the kitchen each morning. It should walk with us all through the day, especially when situations become difficult. It should walk with us wherever we walk. I love Way’s translation, “Walk, in ways of love, love like Messiah’s love for us…”

Leaping Love

2 Corinthians 8:7 says, “Therefore, as ye abound in every thing… and in your love to us, see that ye abound in this grace also.”Once again, I sight Way’s translation of this Scripture, “Full you are to overflowing… of the love that leaps from your hearts to mine…”What an exciting description of love. I think of a frog jumping from one rock to another. Can you get the picture of love leaping from one heart to another within your family? This is even more than Walking Love. Leaping love is vibrant, pulsating, and overflowing. It can‘t stay in the heart. It constantly leaps from one member to another within the home. Pray that God will fill all your hearts with leaping love for one another. This is what you call exciting living!

Disciplinary Love

1 Peter 1:22 in the Knox translation says, “Purify your souls with the discipline of love…” Love takes discipline. To live an undisciplined life is selfish. It is not thinking of others, but only of one’s self. To sleep in late, to let the household chores pile up, and to let the home get disorderly because of an undisciplined life is not love. Disciplinary love makes sure meals are ready on time. It makes sure meals are tasty and nutritious. It makes sure the home is orderly so everyone enjoys living in it.Even though it takes effort, true love will be disciplined to keep things in ship shape for the blessing of everyone in the home.

Sacrificial Love

1 John 3:16 says, “Hereby perceive we the love of God, because he laid down his life for us: and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.” Jesus revealed pure agape love when He, who was God, laid down His life for us who were sinners. This is the greatest sacrificial love. And yet, in the same way, He asks us to lay down our life for others. This certainly does not come naturally, does it? It is only when we allow God’s agape love to operate in our lives that we can walk in sacrificial love.

Conquering Love

Romans 8:37-39, “In all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” There is nothing that can separate us from God’s love. Neither difficult circumstances nor difficult relationships! But even more amazing, if we are born again by the Spirit of God, this conquering love is in us. Nothing can stop it.

Patient Love

“Love suffers long” (1 Corinthians 13:4). The Greek word for longsuffering love is makrothumeo which means "to be longsuffering as opposed to be given to hasty anger; to endure patiently as opposed to despondency; and is used of exercising patience towards people." How easy it is to get impatient with those we love. They don’t come up to our standards. They take so long to do something. They can’t grasp what we are trying to teach them. They exasperate us. But God’s agape love that resides within us is full of patience. Instead of waiting in despair, it waits in hope, believing that God is working and will work to fulfill His purposes.

James 5:7-10 gives the illustration of the farmer who has “long patience” to wait for the harvest of his seed. In the same way, we often need long patience as we wait to see God work in those we love. Instead of getting impatient and despondent, claim the promise of Philippians 1:6, “Being confident of this very thing that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ.” Every day, thank the Lord for the good work He is doing in your husband and your children.

Kind Love

“Love is very kind” (1 Corinthians 13:4). The word in the Greek is chresteumai and means "to treat as one’s own family, to show oneself useful, to act benevolently." One writer said, “You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving.” Love gives! Constantly gives. Love gives tangible gifts, but love also gives reassurance, encouragement, smiles, and cuddles. And perhaps the biggest gift that love gives is time! Time is a love-gift. “Love ever gives, forgives, outlives, and while it lives, it gives! For this is love’s prerogative, to give and give and give!”

We must also remember to give kind words. The testimony of the Proverbs 31 woman is that “in her tongue is the law of kindness” (Proverbs 31:26). It is the law of love. The word kindness in this Scripture is the Hebrew word chesed which is one of the most important words in the Old Testament. It relates closely to the word "grace" in the New Testament. It describes God’s unfailing love, kindness, devotion, favor, mercy, and grace toward us. This is the kind of vocabulary that should flow lovingly from our tongues. May God anoint us and help us!

Humble Love

“Love envieth not, love vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up” (1 Corinthians 13:4-5). Humility is the revelation of love. It was love that caused Jesus, who was God, to make himself of no reputation, to become a servant, to humble himself and to become obedient to the death of the cross (Philippians 2:7-8).

Polite Love

“Love is not rude” (1 Corinthians 13:5). Love does not speak rudely but is always polite and sweet.

Unselfish Love

“Love is not self-seeking” (1 Corinthians 13:5 NIV). The New Living Translation says, “Love does not demand its own way.”

Non-provoking Love

“Love is not easily provoked” (1 Corinthians 13:5-6). It does not get irritated easily. It is does not fly off the handle. It is not touchy or prickly. It refuses to take offence.

Ungrudging Love

“Love keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth” (1 Corinthians 5-6 NIV). This is a challenge, isn’t it? The flesh enjoys remembering the hurts and spiteful words that have been spoken, but agape love forgives and forgets. It clears the record. Sometimes it has to clear the record daily. Maybe more than once a day!

Protecting Love

“Love bears all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7). The word “beareth” is stego which comes from a root word meaning "to roof over, to cover with silence, to protect or preserve by covering, forbearing." True love is not wishy washy. We may not always be popular with our children when we restrain them from watching certain movies or stop them from going certain places, but we love their souls too much to allow them to be deceived by the allurements of the devil. We protect them (not only their bodies, but their minds, emotions and souls), even though we may have to bear the brunt of their complaining attitude.

Believing Love

“Love believes all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7). My dear father (who recently passed away at nearly 92 years of age) always believed in me. He believed that I would walk righteously for God. He believed that I would do great things for God. I didn’t believe in myself, but he believed in me. His faith in me helped me to rise above my own inadequate feelings of myself. Agape love believes in your husband and children, even when you cannot see any evidence in front of you.

It takes faith to walk in agape love. We cannot do it in the flesh. Many times we have no feelings of love left. They’ve flown out the window! Don’t worry. We can now clock into God’s love to speak love, give love and smile love. Yes, even when our flesh feels the very opposite. We have to speak words of love by faith. There are many times that you may not “feel” in love with your husband, but in faith you can say, “I love you” anyway. As you confess love, your feelings will change to love. Do not gauge love by your feelings. Agape love has nothing to do with feelings. It is a commitment to love.

Faith and love are twins that go hand in glove. Galatians 5:6 talks of “faith which worketh by love.” The word “worketh” in the Greek is energeo from where we get our word “energy." In other words, faith is energized or activated by love. Love is energized by faith.

Hoping Love

“Love hopes all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7). We love in hope rather than despair. Love never regards anyone as hopeless!

Enduring Love

“Love endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7). Do you notice that it says all things? Help! Does that really mean all things? That’s what it says. Phileo love may not endure the long haul. It may endure some things, but it has a limit. Agape love endures all things. We would not see so many marriages falling apart in the church today if couples realized that God’s enduring agape love can rule in their hearts. I know a very dear couple who have been married for nearly 50 years. The early years of their marriage were traumatic, hurtful and despairing. But they stuck it out. They did not believe in divorce. God honored their endurance and over the years God’s love blended their hearts together. They now reap the reward of enjoying a beautiful love/friendship marriage in the latter years of their lives.

William Barclay’s translation of this Scripture says, “Love can stand any kind of treatment” and The New English Bible says, “There is nothing love cannot face.”Wow! Natural love fades away when there is abuse from a husband, or even children. It is only agape love that can take it. We have to keep reminding ourselves that agape love is God’s love and if we are born again by the Spirit of God, it abides in us! It is ours!

Never Failing Love

“Love never fails” (1 Corinthians 13:8).I cannot make a better comment than the J.B. Phillip’s translation, “Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything. It is, in fact, the one thing that stands when all else has fallen.”

Abiding Love

“And now abideth faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love” (1 Corinthians 13:13). Abiding love does not hate one day and love the next. It remains the same and remains to the end, despite feelings.

Fearless Love

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear” (1 John 4:18). Agape love does not fear to love. It does not fear for itself. It continues to love in the face of situations that would naturally cause fear. The Knox translation of 1 John 4:18 says, “Love has no room for fear; and indeed, love drives out fear when it is perfect love…The man who is still afraid has not yet reached the full measure of love.”

Shedding Abroad Love

“The love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us” (Romans 5:5). If you are born again, the Holy Spirit indwells you; if He indwells you, His love is shed abroad in your heart. The word "shed" comes from the Hebrew word shad which means "breast." It speaks of the pouring forth of sacrificial and maternal love.

Why not stop now and affirm these words out loud, “The love of God is shed abroad in my heart by the Holy Spirit.” Did you notice that it says, IS? It does not say, “It might be.” It does not say, “One day when you get to heaven.” It says that it IS shed abroad in your heart right now! Yes, even when you are feeling the opposite. It is important to confess this wonderful truth out loud. As you do, it will become more and more your personal experience.

Reactionary Love

We have reached the last point. I have been convicted of each one of these revelations of agape love. But more than all the others, God is speaking to me about reactionary love. What do I mean by this? I want it to become my habit in life to react with love. To react with love to every vibe, word, or action that is negative, abusive, or hurtful. What a challenge! When a glass is bumped, what spills out? Whatever is in the glass! In the same way, what is inside me will immediately spill over. My longing is that when I am rubbed the wrong way, when things don’t go my way, when words are spoken that would ordinarily make me mad that I would automatically respond with love.

Jesus gave us the example. He reacted with love and forgiveness. He told us to react to our enemies with love (Matthew 5:39, 44).

Paul gave us the example. When he was reviled, he reacted with blessing (1 Corinthians 4:12).

Peter tells us to not pay back injury with injury, or hard words with hard words, but to react back with a blessing instead (1 Peter 3:9).

How can I do this? I certainly can’t with my earthly nature. It is only by the power of the Holy Spirit. The amazing truth is that I am filled with the love of God because of the Holy Spirit who lives in me. Therefore it is possible.

NANCY CAMPBELL

 

Further Scriptures:

Unfeigned Love, Romans 12:9; 2 Corinthians 6:6 and 1 Peter 1:22.

Abounding Love, 2 Corinthians 8:7; Philippians 1:9; and 2 Thessalonians 1:3.

Sacrificial Love, Romans 5:8 and Ephesians 5:25.

Believing Love, Ephesians 1:15; 6:23; Colossians 1:4; 1 Thessalonians 3:6; 5:8; 2 Thessalonians 1:3 and 1 Timothy 1:5 and 2:15.

Reactionary Love, Leviticus 19:18; Proverbs 20:22; 24:29; Matthew 5:44; Romans 12:14, 17 and 1 Thessalonians 5:15.

GOD’S IDEA OF DISCIPLINE

We do not have to read other books or seek worldly advice regarding this subject. God has the last word! Even if it is contrary to what everyone else in the world is doing, God's Word is the plumb line. It is the only method that guarantees success! God's method produces children who are godly in character and integrity.

The following are God’s principles with very little comment. We do not need to add to God’s tested and tried methods.

WE HATE OUR CHILDREN, IF WE DO NOT DISCIPLINE THEM

• Proverbs 13:24 NIV, "He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.”
• Proverbs 23:13-14, "Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die.Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell."

Hebrews 12:5-8, "Whom the Lord loves He chastens, and scourges every son whom he receives. If ye endure chastening, God deals with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chastens not? But if ye be without chastisement, whereof all are partakers, then are ye bastards, and not sons."

It is not enough to love our children. They must be trained and disciplined. I know children that come from beautiful loving families, and yet they have gone astray because love was not combined with discipline. The parents compromised on godly principles because they were afraid of their children’s reactions.

DISCIPLINE DRIVES OUT FOOLISHNESS

• Proverbs 10:1, "A foolish son is the heaviness of his mother."
• Proverbs 17:25, "A foolish son is a grief to his father, and bitterness to her that bare him."
• Proverbs 22:15, "Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child, but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him."

DISCIPLINE MUST HURT FOR IT TO BE EFFECTIVE

• Proverbs 19:18, "Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying."
• Proverbs 20:30 TLB, "Punishment that hurts chases evil from the heart."
• Job 5:18, "For He maketh sore and bindeth up; he woundeth and His hands make whole."

DISCIPLINE WITH A ROD, NOT YOUR HAND

• Proverbs 10:13, "A rod is for the back of him that is void of understanding."
• Proverbs 13:24, "He that spares his rod hates his son: but he that loves him chastens him quickly."
• Proverbs 22:15, "Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child, but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him."
• Proverbs 23:13-14, "Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell."
• Proverbs 26:3, “A whip for the horse, a bridle for the ass, and a rod for the fool’s back.”
• Proverbs 29:15, "The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself brings his mother to shame."

It is wise to have a rod that is kept especially for discipline. Your hands should be kept for loving and caressing. It is confusing for a child to be smacked with the hand and then loved with the hand. Also, ifyou use your hand for spanking, it is easy to smack with haste and in anger. When you have to get the rod, it gives you time to become calm and discipline in wisdom, not because you want to lash out in frustration, but because it is necessary to train your child in righteousness.

It is amazing how peaceful and happy a child can be after they have received a good spanking. The effect of a spanking that hurts, but which is given in righteous love and wisdom, can last for a long time. Effective discipline does not have to be executed so frequently. It lasts.

God, who is our pattern parent, uses the rod too.

• 2 Samuel 7:14, “I will be his father, and he shall be my son. If he commit iniquity, I will chasten him with the rod of men, and with the stripes of the children of men: but my mercy shall not depart away from him.”
• Psalm 23:4, “Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.”
• Psalm 89:31-33, “If they break my statutes, and keep not my commandments; then will I visit their transgression with the rod, and their iniquity with stripes. Nevertheless my lovingkindness will I not utterly take from him, nor suffer my faithfulness to fail.”
• Micah 7:14, “Feed thy people with thy rod.”
• Revelation 2:27, “He shall rule them with a rod of iron.” Revelation 12:5; 19:15; Psalm 2:9.

If God is our Father and we are truly His son or daughter, He will chastise us. A true father and mother will discipline. Some parents do not believe in spanking, but the Word of God says that the rod is a blessing to our children.

It will bring them comfort. Psalm 23:4

It will drive out foolishness. Proverbs 22:15

It will deliver their soul from hell. Proverbs 23:13-14

It will help them grow wise. Proverbs 29:15

TALKING IS NOT ENOUGH

• Proverbs 29:19, "A servant will not be corrected by words: for though he understand he will not answer."
• Proverbs 12:18 MLB, "Some speak rashly like the piercing of a sword.”

It is easy to talk and talk and talk. It is easy to keep telling your child to do something over and over again before he does it. This is lazy mothering. We must speak once, and if the child does not obey, we must discipline. If we cannot train them to obey us, how will they obey their heavenly Father?

Spanking is also a better punishment than groundings or taking certain privileges away from the child. This is a humanistic way of doing things. Some parents say that it is cruel to spank, and they prefer to use other methods. However, these methods are actually more cruel. They linger on well after the incident has taken place, sometimes for weeks. God's way is the best way. When the child disobeys, you spank to teach them that disobedience cannot be tolerated, then you love and embrace the child, and the discipline is over! It is not remembered again.

In most cases, it is also wise to take the child aside and discipline privately. A child will receive the spanking and the discipline in his spirit far more, if it is done privately, than if he is in the company of siblings or other people. When in the company of others, he will put up barriers of pride and the discipline will not be so effective.

NEVER DISCIPLINE IN ANGER

• Proverbs 14:17 MLB, "He who is quick-tempered acts foolishly."
• Proverbs 16:32, "He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty and he that rules his spirit than he that takes a city."
• Ecclesiastes 7:9 TLB, "Do not be quick-tempered - that is being a fool."
• James 1:19-20, "Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: for the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God."

If your child has aroused your temper, wait until your anger has dissipated before you apply discipline. Godly discipline and spanking will only bring blessing to a child. It is when you spank in anger, that you can hurt a child.

ALWAYS DISCIPLINE IN LOVE

• Psalm 89:31-33, "If they break My statutes and keep not my commandments. Then will I visit their transgression with the rod, and their iniquity with stripes. Nevertheless My lovingkindness will I not utterly take from him, nor suffer my faithfulness to fail."

Proverbs 3:11-12, "My son, despise not the chastening of the Lord; neither be weary of His correction: For whom the Lord loves he corrects; even as a father the son in whom he delights."

Revelation 3:19, "As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten."

DISCIPLINE IMMEDIATELY

Ecclesiastes 8:11, "Because sentence against an evil work is not executed speedily, therefore the heart of the sons of men is full set in them to do evil."

• Proverbs 13:24 TLB, “If you love your son you will be prompt to punish him.”

Do not say, “Wait until your father gets home!” The father should do the discipline when he is home, but when he is not around, the mother needs to execute the discipline immediately.

BE CONSISTENT WITH YOUR DISCIPLINE

• Proverbs 29:15, "A child left to himself brings his mother to shame."

It is confusing to a child for you to discipline for something one day and overlook it the next day. Consistency is the most important thing in discipline. If you are not consistent your children will lose respect for you, and they will require more and more discipline. If you are consistent, they will know their boundaries and give up trying to push their limits.

DISCIPLINE RESULTS IN A HAPPY CHILD

• Job 5:17-18, "Happy is the man whom God corrects: therefore despise not thou the chastening of the Almighty."
• Job 36:10-12, "He opens also their ear to discipline, and commands that they return from iniquity. If they obey and serve Him, they shall spend their days in prosperity, and their years in pleasures."
• Psalm 94:12, "Blessed is the man whom Thou chastenest, O Lord."
• Psalm 119:67,71, "Before I was afflicted I went astray: but now have I kept thy word. It is good for me that I have been afflicted: that I might learn thy statutes."
• Lamentations 3:27 TLB, "It is good for a young man to be under discipline."
• Hebrews 12:11 TLB, "Being punished isn't enjoyable while it is happening - it hurts! But afterwards we can see the result, a quiet growth in grace and character."

DISCIPLINE RESULTS IN HAPPY PARENTS

• Proverbs 29:17, "Correct thy son, and he shall give thee rest; yea, he shall give delight unto thy soul."

I think this Scripture is one of the loveliest promises to mothers! But notice that we receive thereward of delight because of discipline. A disciplined child will delight his parents; a child left to himself will bring them to shame. Our daughter, Evangeline and her husband, have 10 children. I have never observed a mother who has such an easy life. Her children are so well trained that she leads a restful life. Every day is a joy. This should be the testimony of mothering.

Nancy Campbell
www.aboverubies.org

 

 

 

HELP!

How can I have Peace in my Home?

Everyone is looking for peace—peace in their soul, in their home and in their country. Peace is perhaps the greatest possession we can have. The wonderful thing is that we can own peace, regardless of circumstances.  We could own a mansion and all the material blessings we crave and yet not have peace. We can own nothing and yet be blessed with peace.

God is peace—the originator of peace. Jesus came to guide our feet into the way of peace. (Luke 1:79). He said, “Come and I will give you rest…” and “My peace I give unto you…” But His peace and rest are not automatic. Nothing happens by itself. As Henry Drummond says, “The Christian life is not casual but causal.” We cannot get away from the eternal law that we reap what we sow.

In Zechariah 8:12 God says, "I am planting seeds of peace and prosperity among you…” God spoke these words to encourage the people when rebuilding the temple of Jerusalem. God is a seed-planter. He is not only a God of peace, but He sows seeds of peace. We, who were created in the image of God, should also be peace seed-planters.

How can we sow seeds of peace in our home and family? The following are some seeds that you can plant that will help bring peace to your heart and home.

Pray for Peace

Every morning when we have devotions as a family, my husband prays for peace to fill our home. If we constantly pray for it, we are well on the way toward making it happen.

God commanded us to pray for the peace of His city, Jerusalem. (Psalm 122:6) It is just as important to pray for the peace of our homes. Can you imagine what would happen if every family prayed daily for peace in their family?

Speak Peace

We should not only pray for it, but speak it. As we were raising our older children, my husband would constantly confess, “I am a man of peace” or “I am for peace.” We needed that confession in the midst of our six very exuberant and outspoken children. Unfortunately, our children have loudness in their genes. My husband comes from a family of nine children, who, although committed believers and many are serving the Lord full-time, have very loud voices, are very opinionated and not afraid to speak their opinions. How we love being together.

I come from a smaller family, but just as loud. A friend of ours, who lived with us for a while when we were raising our family used to say, “What hope is there for your children with a “Crowin’ Campbell” for a father and a “Blowin’ Bowen” for a mother?” Amazingly, in the midst of all our loudness, we mostly had an atmosphere of peace.

As you pray for your children each morning, minister the peace of God upon them. Walk into your kitchen with your “gospel of peace” shoes on your feet and release peace on each one of your children. Pray it over them. Confess it over them. Speak it into their lives. Be a peace-bearer rather than a tension-bearer.

Peace is a noun, but the Bible verbs it. It tells us to extend peace, pursue peace, love peace, make peace, establish peace, preach peace, proclaim peace, seek peace and speak peace.* This is how it happens—by sowing the seeds. Jesus said, “Blessed are the peacemakers…” (Matthew 5:9) Do you notice that you have to make it happen?

Ask God to help you be a peacemaker today. I know it’s not an easy task. You have to bite your tongue. You have to practice speaking words that are affirming, encouraging, cheerful, comforting, forgiving, healing, helpful, kind, loving, positive, reconciling, respectful, strengthening, supportive, sweet, uplifting, and wholesome. You have to smile instead of scowl. You have to think of ways to reconcile.

Shut Your Mouth

Perhaps this is one of the biggest ways to keep peace. It is easy to spout off words that cause discord. It is easy to react with words that cause pain or even incite rebellion. It is easy to answer back when accused. I am always challenged by Jesus’ reaction when he was accused:

Isaiah 53:7, “He was oppressed, and he was afflicted, yet he opened not his mouth.”

Matthew 26:62-63, “The high priest arose, and said unto him, Answerest thou nothing? What is it which these witness against thee? But Jesus held his peace.”

Matthew 27:11-13, “When he was accused of the chief priests and elders, he answered nothing. Then said Pilate unto him, Hearest thou not how many things they witness against thee? And he answered him to never a word.”

1 Peter 2:23, “Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again…”

If we cannot give a soft answer, it is best not to even open our mouths! This takes self control, doesn’t it? But the Holy Spirit, who is self control, lives within us to help us. We need to have Proverbs 15:1 constantly in our minds and hearts, “A soft answer turns away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.”

Discipline for Peace

This doesn’t sound very peaceful, does it? We often think that if we rock the boat we won’t have peace! But the opposite is true. Discipline precedes peace! Read that again. Yes, discipline precedes peace! If your children are playing up, disobeying, being defiant and causing havoc in the home, you won’t have any peace. To get peace, you must deal with the disobedience and bad behavior.

Proverbs 29:17 says, “Correct thy son, and he shall give thee rest; yea, he shall give delight unto thy soul.”     Do you want rest and peace in your home? Don’t gloss over disobedience. Deal with the issues. Sow loving but firm discipline for disobedient behavior and you will reap a reward of rest. Many parents have no rest. Their children are a constant hassle to them because they have not been trained. They yell at them but their behavior doesn’t change.

It is a joy to watch parents who live a life of rest. I think of my daughter, Evangeline, who has nine children. She and her husband, Howard have trained their children to respond with instant obedience from the time they were very little. They have never allowed disobedience or defiant behavior. They dealt with it immediately and have reaped a wonderful reward of rest. Their children, aged from 15 years to 16 months are extraordinarily behaved. They give delight to their parents and everyone who is around them. They can take them anywhere and trust their behavior. Evangeline lives a life of a queen for her children give her no bother.

Hebrews 12:11 reiterates this, “Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but grievous; nevertheless, afterwards it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.”

I was quite taken aback when reading Romans 16:20 recently, “And the God of peace shall bruise Satan under your feet shortly.” You would think that when it speaks of God defeating the devil that He would be referred to as the God of War or the Lord of hosts (which is the Lord of the Armies of Heaven). It will not be a peaceful task to conquer Satan. It will be war and blood and tears. But, no. It is the God of peace who will bruise Satan. I am sure this is because there can never be true peace while evil reigns and therefore it is the God of peace who wages war to bring peace.

If you have to have a little war before you have peace, don’t be afraid. Covering over things will not bring peace. It is like a festering sore that will not heal until it is totally cleansed.

Watch Your Priorities

Remember that mothering is your first and highest calling. You are a mother before you are a homeschooler. You are a mother before every other project or outside activity that pulls on your time. When you make mothering your priority and forget the guilt of not having to accomplish other demands, you will have rest.

When you feel overwhelmed and tension is overtaking, stop and think. Are you involved in unnecessary outside activities? Are you running around in the car more than being at home? You are meant to mother in the home, not the car! You don’t have to have your children involved in every sport and every extra curricular activity. It is the ploy of the enemy to bring tension to your soul and distract you from the power of your home.

Don’t let good things rob you of the best! Proverbs 24:15 says, “Lay not wait, O wicked man, against the dwelling of the righteous, spoil not his resting place.”

Seek Reconciliation

You cannot have peace if you have estranged relationships. To enjoy peace you must seek healing and restoration. Sow seeds of reconciliation. You won’t have peace until you do. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. (Ephesians 4:26-27)

Forget Your Worries

Ephesians 4:6-7 says, “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” In other words, don’t worry about anything! Easier said than done! But if you want peace, it is a habit you must practice.

Each time you face a problem, instead of worrying, turn it over the Lord. Look to the Lord rather than your circumstances. It takes a while to get into this habit, but it will change your life. You will walk in peace even in the midst of the storm.

My favorite Scripture, a special one for mothers, is found in Isaiah 26:3-4, “Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusts in thee. Trust ye in the Lord forever: for in the Lord Jehovah is everlasting strength.” When we sow the habit of bringing our thought life to the Lord, we will have peace. Not only peace, but perfect peace. It is actually a double word in the Hebrew meaning, peace, peace!

Husband/Wife Unity

Sow unity in your marriage relationship. If you don’t have unity together, you won’t have peace in your heart, nor will your children know peace. When there is estrangement between you and your husband, the children will feel the brunt of it. Once again, you have to sow the seeds. It won’t just happen. Realize the truth that God has made you one--not two, but one! Sow seeds to make this oneness a reality. Say Sorry. Forgive. Swallow your pride. Humble yourself. Shut your mouth. Speak soft words. Submit for your own blessing.

Love the Word

We sow peace into our home when we love the Word and make it part of our family life. Our children should see that we teach them the Word, not because it is what we should do, but because we love it. 

Psalm 119:165 says, “Great peace have those who love your law, and nothing causes them to stumble.”

Isaiah 48:18 says, “Oh, that you had heeded my commandments! Then your peace would have been like a river, and your righteousness like the waves of the sea.”

It is not always easy to obey God’s Word. It is usually the opposite of the way we feel, but obedience brings peace.

Love Righteousness

Psalm 85:10 says, “Righteousness and peace have kissed each other.” You can’t have peace without righteousness. They are inseparable. But righteousness is more than turning away from evil. It is doing righteous deeds.

Righteousness is not passive, but alive. It is revealed in your facial features as you smile at your family and speaks positive things; it comes out your fingertips as you work and toil for the blessing of your family or hug and embrace your children; it shows itself as you walk to do good deeds for your family and others.

We see this in Isaiah 32:17, “The work of righteousness shall be peace; and the effect of righteousness quietness and assurance forever.” Do you notice that righteousness is a work? And do you notice the cause and effect? The effect is peace!

This following verse says, “And my people shall dwell in a peaceable habitation, and in sure dwellings, and in quiet resting places.” If we want peace in our home we must sow seeds of righteousness. That will mean saying No to certain TV programs, DVDs and websites. It will mean taking a stand against the spirit of the world entering your home. Peace does not come by compromise or even by feeling good. Sometimes people equate peace with calm. Anyone can have peace when everything is going perfect. True peace rests on a foundation of righteousness. (Hosea 10:12)

Order Your Home

It is difficult to have peace when you live in a mess. 1 Timothy 5:14 tells us that the young women are to “guide the house.” This phrase is translated from the Greek word, oikodespoteo, coming from two words: oikos--home, and despotace--master. God has given you the responsibility to manage your home—to keep it in order and running smoothly.  Don’t forget the principle of cause and effect. If you want peace, do things that will bring order and peace.

Declutter Your Home

If your dishes and laundry are piling up and your home is cluttered, you will not be able to think straight. Order brings serenity. Evangeline says, “Clutter is worse than dust!” If you have loads of junk it can be daunting to start on this venture. Take one room at a time. Be ruthless. Get rid of everything you don’t need. Purge. The more you eradicate, the more serenity will come to your soul.

Will you become a peace-sower? The more seeds you sow, the greater harvest you will reap.

NANCY CAMPBELL
Founder and Editress of Above Rubies

Peace verbs:

Isaiah 66:12; Hebrews 12:14; Zechariah 8:19; Isaiah 27:5; Isaiah 26:12; Acts 10:36; Isaiah 52:7; Nahum 1:15; Psalm 34:14; 1 Peter 3:11; Esther 10:3; Psalm 85:8.

GNITNERAP - Parenting Backwards!

I am guilty. Guilty as charged. How many times as a parent have I allowed current stressful circumstances to lure me into thinking my present harried situation is more important than my child's future? Countless times! In how many instances have I been annoyed by the sounds or actions of my children and reacted out of frustration rather than realizing that my choices as a parent can affect the adult lives of my children?

I don’t have that many fingers or toes to count on. And lastly, I am guilty of occasionally being too lazy or self-absorbed to discipline for offenses in which I know I should discipline. There you have it. I have confessed.

How often we forget our focus. We tend to focus on the "now" rather than the "what will become." It's easy to get wrapped up in the overwhelming tasks of life and to convince ourselves that keeping caught up on the laundry or making it to soccer on time is somehow more important than training our children for their lives as adults. Although supplying the physical needs of our children is part of our job description, providing character training is far more important.

As mothers, we have two different task categories--the "unimportant importants" and the "important importants." Have you ever found yourself snapping at your children because they are in the way as you wash your dishes? This shows us how easily we can slip into the "unimportant importants." The "important important" in this situation is showing our children in our words, attitudes and actions that they are loved and valued. Although clean dishes are important, it should not be held in higher regard than love and respect for our children.

How do we keep ourselves from over-focusing on the "unimportant importants"? By practicing "GNITNERAP" (pronounced "gun-i- ten-er-ap"). Parenting backwards.

"GN-I-WHAT?!" GNITNERAP is like reading a really good biography. The biography is written about your child. The only distinction is, you read this book a little differently than most parents. You start from the last page of the book and work your way back to the front. The front of the book is where you come in. The front of the book is NOW. Your job is to help the book have a happy ending.

How do we ensure our children's biography ends happily? We begin by deciding what kind of future we would like for our children. Would you prefer your children's stories to read that they were habitually late for work, physically unhealthy, rude to others, egotistical, prone to road rage, over-spenders and with no regard for the law? Or would you like the stories to say your children were lovers of God, moral law-abiders, prompt, humble, healthy eaters, respectful of others, self-controlled and financially sound? How the story ends is largely based on how we train them today. We are the beginning of the tale.

Shouldn't it be our goal to send children into the world with less personal struggle than we have ourselves? If we stop to think about it, aren't many of the complaints and woes we face in life mainly due to our lack of self-control or discipline in some area?

Although our parents did their best, there were likely neglected areas of training in character and/or self-discipline or self-control. We can never be perfect parents, but we can aim to make our children's lives a little less consequence-based by equipping them with applicable life-tools. We can begin by facing the truth of the examples we are actively setting for them:

Our Emotional Example

Isn't it ironic that we find ourselves reminding our children to speak respectfully to their siblings, and, in turn, speak disrespectfully to them or to our spouse. We see them throw a tantrum while with a contorted Scrooge-face we angrily exclaim, "YOU NEED TO GET CONTROL OVER YOUR ANGER! ARRRRGH!"

We tell our children that it is not God's way to hold unforgiveness in our hearts as we give our husband the "silent treatment" for telling us the truth when we asked if he thought we should lose some weight. When we look at our daily behavior from the perspective of our children's future, are we setting the right examples for them? Are we rearing emotionally sound human-beings, or creating little emotional train-wrecks?

Annoying childhood behaviors can become detrimental adult behaviors if we don't nip them in the bud. If our children find whining to be a valuable tool in getting their way, they will continue to whine into their adulthood. An adult whiner is not pretty!

If our children are chronic complainers, you can bet their future spouses will spend a lifetime of listening to constant negative words. These are some of the behaviors that we as parents are responsible for curbing in order to eliminate adult grief for our children.

Our Spiritual Example

Teaching our children about the Lord is a priority for many parents. We tell them how important it is to learn more about God, pray, go to church, serve others and to give freely of our finances. Children know the simple truth, "Actions speak louder than words."

If they hear us speaking the importance of these things, but we don’t implement them into our lives--it will not be long before they realize we don't value what we teach them to value.

Paying verbal homage to spiritual discipline does not equal possessing our own spiritual discipline. If we believe in serving others, then we had better reflect that in our lives. If we believe that giving of our finances is important, it will be apparent by our yearly giving statements. If we are committed to learning more about the Lord, we will be on a quest for Biblical knowledge through prayer and Bible reading and with that new knowledge, teach our children. If church attendance is truly a priority, we will not instead choose sleep, ball games or shopping.

What words would your children use to describe your relationship with God? How important would they say God is to you? Their answers are evidence of your living spiritual example.

Our Financial Example

Financial chaos can bring turmoil. Divorce, high blood-pressure and even suicide have been side-effects of poorly handled finances. If we do not train our children in the financial realm, we will inevitably send into the world ill-equipped stewards who will bring only ruin and havoc into their lives.

Choosing to live within our means, setting an example of debt-free living, saving for the future and tithing can be a good start in instructing our children financially. But, simply being a good example is not enough. Children need more than a good example to learn how to handle their financial lives. They require the opportunity to earn, spend, and give and even to fail.

A good idea is to sit down with your children to discuss your bills and giving. Do not unnecessarily burden them with any information that will cause them to worry about your financial life. Explain to them the cost of living, the traps of interest and God's spiritual laws of giving. Admit your past failures and pass along your strengths.

Allow them the opportunity to earn an income; whether this money comes from allowance for chores or a lemonade stand. Instruct them in the proper ways of handling finances, then stand back and watch them either sink or float. Simply running out of cash flow is enough to get them into a saving mindset. They will want to be prepared for the next rainy day that comes along.

Our Character Example

Have we recently spoken behind someone's back? Be careful. Our children are listening. Failed to mention that the cashier has given us too much change? Those little eyes are very observant. Promised the children we would read a story to them tonight, and then failed to deliver? Caution! Our reputation of integrity is at stake. What God expects of us should first be standards for ourselves, and then for our children.

If we tell our children that honesty is the best policy, then it had better be the best policy for us as well. Do what you say, say what you mean. Parent with integrity and impeccable character. Don't make promises you cannot keep.

As the Bible says, "Let your yes's be yes, and your no's be no." If you cannot keep a secret, be certain to inform those who tell you things "in confidence." Let your word be as gold and your children will value it as such.

Our Health Example

You've certainly heard the old adage, "You are what you eat." Let's modify that a bit to read, "Your children see what you eat." And they will follow suit.

Our unhealthy eating habits will be a legacy passed on if not placed under control. Do we want our children to suffer from negative effects of obesity such as diabetes, high blood-pressure, heart failure, fatigue and low-self-esteem? You may have failed until now, but it is never too late to begin making changes in your diet for your children's sake.

Do we encourage our children to go outside to exercise while we lounge on the sofa? An active lifestyle is one that is created by example. Bike-riding, walks in the park and kite-flying are activities which involve physical activity--with one added benefit, conversation opportunity. There is no better way to connect with your child.

Now, flip the coin. What about we who tend to overdo everything? Extracurricular activities, the weekend schedule, the exercise, the work-schedule. Running on adrenaline at all times can eventually lead to adrenal burnout. Decide which things in life you "must have" and those you can do without.

Our Priority Example

We all exclaim how important our families are to us. We love our families. There is no doubt about that. But while many of us pay lip-service to the importance of our clan, some of us debunk that statement in our daily actions. How easily we can allow the love of self, money, selfish ambition and pleasure to get in the way of healthy priorities.

In order to properly prioritize our lives, we must make minute-by-minute sacrifices. Most days, it is a constant struggle for me to choose what is in the best interest of my children over what is in my best interest. I pray daily that God would allow me to make choices that reflect servanthood and not self-servanthood.

Many days I fail. It is much easier to be engrossed in cleaning the toilet than to play a game with my children. It is much less stressful to tell my children to keep themselves busy while I cook than to allow them to help.

A Biblical list of life-priorities would read something like this: God first, family second, work third. Our tainted human nature tends to lean towards what makes us feel best. Putting God and others first never feels comfortable at the time, but it is the only way of life without regret.

Why not begin practicing GNITNERAP today by deciding to hold the future of your children in higher regard than the "annoyances of the now." Allow God to show you His will for each of your children and map their biographies according to His plan.

Plan for their caliber of character. Ask the Lord for His blessing in your efforts and to keep your paths straight as you journey in your devotion to the "important importants."

Happy backwards parenting to you.

CAREY KEAVY
Watertown, Minnesota, USA
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Carey is the author of

Raising Your Own Children, A Guide For Stay-at-Home Mom Wanna-Be's.

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