PODCAST TRANSCRIPT | EPISODE 126: MOTHERHOOD AND LIFE LEARNING

FROM OUR HOME TO YOURS w/ Nancy Campbell

EPISODE 126: MOTHERHOOD AND LIFE LEARNING

Jessica Ajayi joins me today to speak about her journey of motherhood (having to leave home as a teenager to survive on her own, to now establishing a beautiful family life), and how she teaches skills to her children that will prepare them for life.

Announcer: Welcome to the podcast, From Our Home to Yours, with Nancy Campbell, founder and publisher of Above Rubies.

Nancy Campbell: Hello beautiful ladies. Here I am again. And I have another visitor with me today. Well, a dear friend. I shouldn't just say a visitor! But I've asked Jessica to come and talk with me today. Her name is Jessica Ajayi. Did I get it right?

Jessica Ajayi: Yes.

Nancy: I did! Amazing! It's a little hard to say her last name because it's Nigerian. Jessica is actually from Germany and her husband is from Nigeria. They have four most beautiful children. They have Samuel, who's 12, Priscilla is 10, Moses is 6, and the most beautiful little, gorgeous, cute Miriam. She is 3.

Anyway, Jessica, she's such a beautiful mother. In fact, she has an Instagram, which is called BEAUTIFUL MOTHERHOOD.  If you want to go to it, its Beautiful_Motherhood. You will get so blessed as she shares her heart there about motherhood. I love going to your page, Jessica. They're always so wonderful and the pictures you use are so wonderful too.

I hope you go to my Instagram too, which is Above Rubies, but it's actually _ Above_Rubies_. There are three underscores in mine for Instagram. So go there where I seek to encourage you in your wonderful role of  motherhood too.

Because this is what we're all about. We're just wanting to encourage you in your great career of mothering which the greatest career that you could have! Ladies, there is not one career in this whole nation that is more powerful, and more impacting, and more generational, and more eternal, than the career of mothering. Oh!

Anyway, we're going to talk about it today. So, good to have you with us, Jessica! Hi!

Jessica: Hi! Thank you. It's my pleasure.

Nancy: Yes, and so, Jessica, tell us how you started on your motherhood journey. Jessica has an interesting story, because, well, she didn't really start out in her own early years of being mothered herself. So she's had to find it out as she's gone along, and God is showing her so much. But I think it would be good to go back to the beginning a bit so the women can really feel your heart, Jessica.

Jessica: Yeah. So I grew up in Germany in a family where we were materialistically well off but there was another side to our life. There was a lot of hurt and pain, and a lot of dysfunction and violence. Just a lot of negative things.

My parents were not believers, even though they professed to be. But we did not read the Bible, we didn't go to church, never prayed. There was nothing that would resemble Christianity. So I didn't know what the Christian life actually looked like.

There was no homeschooling.  Homeschooling is illegal in Germany. There was a lot of separation between the life of my parents and our lives. My parents did many things like gardening or cooking, you know, like all these hands-on life skills. But we never saw them, so I was never prepared in any of them when I started at 17 on my own journey...

Nancy: Yes! Can I interrupt there? Didn't you just have to go out on your own and look after yourself at that age and even finish your education all by your little self?

Jessica: Yes. So at that point, my father was into alcoholism. There was a lot of violence at home. I lived in fear for my life, being at home. I had to leave, so I left. I was still going to school, and at that age, in Germany, I could not officially get work.

I couldn't get any help from the government because my father said, “Everything's fine” at home. So I got no support from anywhere. But I was determined to, under great hardship, to finish my education. For almost two years, it was so tough for me. There was literally no money for me to buy food. So I just ate . . .

Nancy: I think she ate air, didn't she? What did you eat in those days?!

Jessica: Well, I didn't know even how to cook anything, so even if it was cheap, I didn't know how to prepare anything, not even potatoes! I was scared to boil potatoes! (laughter) I didn't know what I thought that could go wrong, but I didn't know just how to do it.

So what I did was, I just bought flour, white flour, because it was very cheap. I just had literally coins to buy my food. Then I would mix it with water. When I had a little bit more money, I bought sugar, and I would just pop it in the microwave. That's what I ate.

Nancy: Oh, that is hard to believe!

Jessica: That is how my journey into adulthood started. Yeah, I became . . . I got married...No, first I got saved, in my early 20's. I had encountered God several times throughout my life. And I think that really gave me strength to walk though all kinds of challenges.

Then in my early 20's, I got saved, and my life really became quite different. I started being involved with Christian families. That's where I really started to see, what does a healthy family life look like?

I didn't have to just learn things in my mind, but I could just imitate. I could watch mothers just do simple things. Make their home, talk to their children, have a conversation. Things I had not experienced.

Yeah, from there I went to college and had many other families from different countries that I had the privilege to live with and learn from. Being nurtured, actually. I felt like I was again being a child during that time. I could be nurtured, and I could receive some of the things I had not received when I was growing up.

And then I got married when I was 24. The first few years were a challenge in the sense that we were ready to start a family, but I had been having miscarriages. And then we were told that we couldn't actually have children.

Nancy: And didn't you eventually find out it was because you were so malnourished because you'd been eating a bit of flour and water for so many years? How did that all work out?

Jessica:  Yes. So after three miscarriages, our doctor told us we should think of a permanent way to use contraception because it would just continue the same way.

God had showed me early, when we got married, a dream where I saw myself with five or six children. So I had the hope that we would have children. I didn't doubt that any bit, no matter, even as I kept on having miscarriages. I just knew somehow; I had that hope that God would give us children. That was our purpose to be together.

So as the doctor told me that we wouldn't have children, and there was really . . . they had done examinations. When I had a miscarriage, they actually tried to find out what was the reason. They said they couldn't find anything wrong, my body not being able to nurture a life. I looked back at what I had been eating, how I had been living, you know.

I started making radical changes, specifically adding nutrient-dense foods. Lots of fruits and vegetables, lots of foods rich in nutrition. My diet. And prayer! And I conceived. I never, in my four pregnancies, had any problems whatsoever. I had uncomplicated births, uncomplicated pregnancies.

Nancy: That's so great! So then you entered your journey of motherhood. I guess you had to learn all by yourself because you hadn't grown up knowing that nurturing anointing. So how did that all come about?

Jessica: I had always enjoyed watching documentaries from all around the world, like different countries. I would specifically be interested in documentaries about family life, people living together, community life, this kind of thing. From there, I had a lot of ideas.

I also had worked for some time in a women's hospital where women actually came to . . . it was a private small hospital where women came to deliver their babies. So I had watched several women over the course of weeks with their babies, how they would act.

There was one woman in particular that stood out to me. She was just so confident. She actually lived in our neighborhood when I grew up. She was so different from the norm. Everything she did was just so resonating with me, it felt so right. I could see how she was in tune with her body. She was in tune with every process around the birth. She was in tune with her baby.

She would just, she didn't care what the nurses said, that she had to feed at this time, and this much, and then this side, and then that side. But she would just go with her instinct. And that really spoke to me.

When I became a mother, at first, I was bombarded with good advice, and books and what not. I read all the things that people said. In our society today, you know, how you should structure everything and organize yourself. It didn't really speak to me. It didn't feel right.

When I had my firstborn, I think after two days I just tossed everything out. I would just listen to my heart. I would just trust my intuition, and trust. Women have been doing this for thousands of years, all around the world, without somebody having to come and give you all these instructions. And you have to memorize all kinds of schedules. I just decided to go with what I feel feels right.

Nancy: So you started early on the right track. That's so wonderful! I remember when I started motherhood. I actually also started on all these crazy four-hour schedules because that was the thing, back in New Zealand.

We used to have the Plunket Nurse. She used to come around every week to check on every mother. Oh, it was terrible! It was like the principal of the school coming into your room. It was so awful! And they'd come to check whether you were doing it all right.

They used to say you had to keep to this four-hourly schedule. It never worked! Oh, I can remember, as a new mother, my precious little baby, he was meant to wait four hours before I could feed him. He was screaming! I was just about screaming. “Oh, what am I going to do?” It was so ridiculous.

So I realized you've got to go with what you feel and what your babies need. I read a little quote way back then, and I've never forgotten it. I believe it's so true. There was a doctor, and he said these words. He said,

“There is more in a mother's intuition that all the

 books you'll ever read.”

That is so true.

You know, dear mothers, go with your heart as you're mothering. Go with your intuition as a mother, because so many of these ideas, and these rules, and these schedules that are put upon mothers, they're man-made. They don't come from that heart, that nurturing heart. If you go with that, you'll be great! You'll be a great mother, don't you think?

Jessica: Yeah, I was just remembering too, that I used to be fascinated with native and indigenous culture. Then I looked at the things I was presented with, like all these strict schedules and rules. Then I thought, you know, these mothers, they managed to mother their children without all this.

Nancy: Yes.

Jessica: So you know, I just decided right there to go with my instinct. However, there was one area where I struggled at first. That was sleeping. I had been told how to get up in the night and nurse my baby, and then, all these rules that I fulfilled for a time, actually for a month at home. I would have to get up and wake my baby up to eat, and then nurse one side, and then make sure that he burped. That literally took forever!

Nancy: It was terrible! You're not getting any sleep.

Jessica: Yeah. And then I had to change his diaper in between the feedings. Then I had to feed from the other side. If he was sleeping, I had to make sure that he was wide awake. So I had to wake him up, and I had to make sure that he burped again. By the time all this was over, I literally didn't get any sleep before I was ready to feed again!

Another thing was, they always said we should put the baby in the crib, and then go into another room and sleep there. I just remember that he was crying and crying. Then all this theory, he would calm himself. Well, long story short. It didn't feel right to us. It didn't give me peace.

I just ended up taking him with me to bed and creating a safe space where he could sleep so none of us would roll over him. That did fine. That has worked for me for all four children. I have had the most beautiful early baby seasons ever since.

Nancy: Well, that actually revolutionized motherhood for me too, Jessica. You know, I had to do all this trying to get them sleeping through the night, doing all that kind of feeding. When I came to that place of, “Oh, I'm going to take this baby to bed with me,” because this baby was just such a screamer! I mean he just screamed and screamed all night! We thought something was wrong with him.

The amazing thing was, when I took him to bed with me, he never screamed again! He just needed me. You know, you learn how to do it in a safe way. We never had the baby between us. He was always on my side.

You learn how to do it. And life, it just becomes so wonderful! Your baby can then nurse on and off throughout the night, which a breastfeeding baby needs to do.  They continue nursing through the night. They need that. You also can sleep, You can sleep while they're doing it, even!

In fact, often my husband would often wake up in the morning and say, “Well, is the baby here?” Because you just put them in their little bed by our bed. Then when they first wake, you bring them in, and that was it for the rest of the night.

He would say, “Is the baby here?” And I would say, “Oh yes, here he is.” I slept, baby slept, everybody slept. Oh! It's just so relaxing!

Jessica: I think my husband, he is a very light sleeper. He got less sleep than me because he would wake up. I actually wouldn't even fully wake up when the baby would nurse. I would just kind of do it automatically and then keep on sleeping!

Nancy: Oh, yes! So anyway, your children grew, and then you had thought about schooling. I know you homeschool now. So how did you get on to that? Because you'd never known much about that growing up in Germany.

Jessica: Yeah. So I was introduced to homeschooling when we first came into the US, probably about ten years ago. My son was close to three years old, my oldest. My first reaction to homeschooling was, I thought it was ridiculous! I was really offended.

There was a family that thought we'd like to know about homeschooling because we like to live an alternative lifestyle. I just thought, “How could somebody homeschool their children? I'm not a teacher. How could I do that?” I was just really, yeah, challenged.

Then I decided to look into this. I started watching videos, documentaries from families that did homeschooling. And I started to realize that it's actually not about the professional teacher, but it's about doing life together. And that it is indeed very possible for a parent to teach their children in many, many different areas.

Also, I realized that academics is not the only part in homeschooling. There are many different areas of homeschooling. So I decided since my son was only, well by then, he was four. He would have gone to something like pre-K or kindergarten. I did not want to put him into anywhere. So I decided, “Well, I cannot do too much wrong at that age, so let me just give it a try.”

So I got the little curriculum, and we just did arts and crafts together, and baked cookies, and things like that. Then when he got to first grade, I just did the same thing. I looked for a homeschooling organization that would grade for me. I was scared of grading at first because I was still a little bit intimidated.

So they would actually send me all the material, and the teacher's guides. There were little tests that I felt comfortable with at that time. I just felt like I can do my part, but I have somebody else who can then satisfy, somehow, that what you're doing is the right thing.

And then year by year, it just evolved from there, and I grew into it, and become more confident. Over the years, you discover what type of homeschooling is really right, and resonates most with us and our lifestyle.

Nancy: So what do you find is best for you, Jessica?

Jessica: I'm a person who likes to do lots of projects, do it yourself, like discover things in another . . . I'll look for new recipes, things like that. So, a mix of home and unschooling. I would say Charlotte Mason inspires. Leadership education focus. Kindling a passion for learning at the center. I guess that describes best what our homeschool looks like and what we enjoy.

Nancy: Yes, something I noticed about your children is they have a love for books. I think you have a love for books too, don't you? So how have you given them that love for reading and love for books, because you know, you've not only got girls, you've got boys. Often boys, they're too busy to look at books. But I notice they even enjoy them too. How have you inspired that in them?

Jessica: Yeah. So my son, he loves to read books. My oldest son and my young son too. He loves it. I read them to him. This is one of the keys to reading. You know, you can only read to them interesting things that you go into yourself.

I love reading. I read to my children, and I have always read to my children. Even when they were babies, I would read out loud things that I read. As they grew, I would make it this thing every day...

Nancy: Whatever you were reading, even if it was something that didn't relate to children, it was something you were trying to learn, or interested about, you'd just read it out loud to them.

Jessica: Yes, when they were babies, yes. They didn't understand the content, but the fact that I was reading to them. Yes, there's something that, ever since they existed, basically, that they have experienced. It's something that feels normal to them.

Yeah, every day now too, I spend time to read to my little ones. I read for 30 minutes in the morning, more or less. Sometimes it's time in the afternoon, and sometimes in the evening. They eventually wait, when they have time, when they see me relaxing somewhere, they come with their piles of books. “Mom, read this to me! Read that to me!”

We also make it a must to go to the library at least every two weeks. We literally need to bring baskets. The librarian . . . They surround books, and, yes, they are consumed with their books.

One thing that I discovered is, it's also essential to focus on what kind of books. So we focus on classics, because classics, true classics, are books that have spoken to many people over a large period of time. They have touched people's lives. They have very good values in them.

Also, all the classics, all the books we read, are in line with our faith. We don't read anything that's either fluff, or anything that is not completely reaffirming the values that we want to lead our children to live.

Nancy: Yes, now I guess, you would find, you would have to really sort through at the library, because I find there's a lot of junk at the library too. So how do you do that? Do you find all the ones that you want?

Jessica: So, I have a couple of organizations that have book lists. That makes it a lot easier, because these organizations, one is Thomas Jefferson Education, TJEd.org. They have a classic list for children.

The other one is a homeschooling curriculum. It's called The Good and the Beautiful. They also have a free download of a file on their website, with literally 200 or 300 books that are all in line with the Christian values. Deep and meaningful stories, yeah.

Nancy: That's really good! I'd like you to say those two places where they could get that list again. So if you're listening doing dishes, but you want to get that in your mind, tell them again, Jessica, clearly, so they can remember it, to look it up.

Jessica: So one is TJEd.org. It's a homeschooling approach. It's not the actual curriculum, but they have a site where you can find classic books for children in the different ages, and also for adults. 

The other organization is The Good and the Beautiful. It's an actual homeschooling curriculum, a very beautiful one. I love their free downloads. It’s a free download with book recommendations, literally hundreds of book recommendations.

Nancy: That's so great to know about that! Can you find them all at the library, or have you had to purchase some of them?

Jessica: Yeah, sometimes we buy some of them. The good thing, when you go into classics, they're often not very expensive.

Nancy: Yes, so have you got a big library at home?

Jessica: We have a good-sized library, yes.

Nancy: How big is that?

Jessica: Well, a few hundred. (Nancy laughing)

Nancy: So where do you keep them all? Do you have bookshelves for them all?

Jessica: I actually built bookshelves. So these are all the projects that I do with the kids. We try to really live frugal. On the other hand, also teaching our children skills. I don't go to try to find skills somewhere outside, but I look in my home, what needs to be done, what could we learn how to do? We've learned how to build furniture, including bookshelves.

Nancy: That's really great. How many bookshelves do you have?

Jessica: We have probably seven.

Nancy: Yes, and you built them all yourself?

Jessica: Five of them.

Nancy: That's great! Did the children help you?

Jessica: Yes!

Nancy: So tell us how you taught them.

Jessica: When I started building furniture, it was kind of a need, because my husband did not have a lot of income. We needed more shelves. So we had wood. There are always people who just dump things, so we got free wood. So I looked  at, “How could I turn this wood into a shelf?” I can learn how to do that. People learn this, right?

While I learned, I always invite the children. There's a principle. Whatever I do, I always invite them to come and to look. Then they often love to participate. They hardly can even wait to get to help.

So when they are a little, I would hold the drill, and I would let them hold it with me. And then as they get older, then they will hold it, and I'm there. I'm close by. My hand is right next to them. They're just kids, you know.

Then, as they get older, they can handle it by themselves, so I just watch from a distance. Then as they prove themselves, and they're being more confident handling tools, I just trust them, and let them work by themselves.

Nancy: That is so great! So at an early age, they are learning how to actually do things and be practical.

So Samuel, he's your oldest now, at 12. So how old was he when he could use a saw, and use a drill? And actually sort of begin able to make something?

Jessica: I think he was probably six or seven. Although the electric drill, like the electric saw, the jigsaw, I didn't trust for him until he was probably eight.

Nancy: What about a hand saw?

Jessica: Oh yeah.

Nancy: See, that's so amazing, Jessica. Because there, unfortunately, there are teenage boys who don't even know how to hold a drill or use a saw at their age! Yet, if you start them young, and show them how, they're capable. I think that's just one of the sad things today about the way we're raising children.

We're raising, so many parents are just raising little children. And they keep them little children! Whereas we are meant to be raising children to be adults, and to learn how to do things! So I just love that!

I think that's just so, I hope that inspires you, lovely mums, that we have to even take risks with our children too, to let them do things. If we don't ever let them do things, they'll always need mommy there to help them, and hold them. Goodness, they just stay little wimps!

With our sons, we're trying to raise men who know how to do things. I'm just amazed at how many young people don't even know how to do basic things.

So what else is Samuel . . . Well, he's built things on his own, hasn't he? Tell us!

Jessica: Yes. He built himself a loft bed. He wanted to have a little fort, so he built it all by himself. He told me; this was probably now six months ago. He told me, “Mom, I do so many things together with you, under your supervision. I want to build this all by myself.”

Nancy: Yes. And how old is he now?

Jessica: He's twelve.

Nancy: So this is what he's doing at this age. OK?

Jessica: Yes. I said, “OK, draw the plan and tell me what you want to do, and then do it! If you need me, I'm there.” And he did. So he has this loft bed upstairs, as his bed. Downstairs he has a little, looks like a little loft cabin even. That's his little hide-out.

Nancy: Oh, how wonderful that you've given him the liberty to do that. I think that's wonderful! One day you were telling me about how Samuel made this thing for taking his shoes off. What do you call those things? I don't even know what you call them.

Jessica: I don't know too, but he read about it in one of his favorite books, and he saw that he always messed the floor with his dirty boots. He said, “Mom, I just . . . ” Well, he actually came with this made thing. I don't know what you call it too. Shoe off taker? I don't know. (Laughter)

So anyway, he came with it. I was like, “What is this?” He said, “Well, I read about it in the classic, and I googled it.” So he did his own research. And then he looked how to make it, and then he built it! And now he uses it.

Nancy: So every time he comes in... Does he put his foot into it somehow?

Jessica: No, it's like you put the back of your boot against it. And it kind of, the back of your boot gets kind of locked into it, and then you just step out of your boot.

Nancy: You know what? I'm going to get him to make me one. (Laughter) Because I'm always having to try and take my boot off with my other boot or reach down with my hand. I would  think, “Oh, it would be so great to have something that automatically took them off!”

Maybe he'll go into business making them! Oh my, you're listening to this, maybe you'll send in an order! And soon we'll have Samuel in business! Actually that's how you get into business, isn't it? You start making something, and someone wants it, and then someone else wants it, and you can get a web page! Wow! That's exciting!

Well, I'm going to talk to him about that. Tell us about some other things. Has he made any other things?

Jessica: Yeah, he built with his sister and his little brother. They built an outdoor fort, like it was two stories. Just looked like a little shed. It even had a roof. They built a ladder to go upstairs, and they got furniture to be up there. They had like a little sunroof on the top, and a cabin underneath. They built this all by themselves.

Nancy: That is amazing! That is just so great! And so, Priscilla, she's ten. Does she like to build things too?

Jessica: Yes, she does. Yeah. So they have the mindset to do it now. They learned it from me. Whenever we need something, we look at the resources we have, and then we just make it. They come up with ideas.

They wanted to play gaga ball. We didn't have a pit. They had lots of wood, and they just designed it. It's not completely round, but it has I think six or seven corners. They just build it. So now it’s now a big deck. And they play.

Nancy: That really puts me to shame, because I want to have a gaga thing here at our place, because the young people love playing it. I think, “I've got to get someone to make it.” Well! We should have already made it! Wow! This is so inspiring.

I hope you are being inspired, but our time is going for this session. I'm going to get Jessica for our next session, and find out lots more things that you do, Jessica, with your children. How you make homeschooling such an exciting and wonderful lifestyle. Because I am aware of a lot of the things they do, and I believe that that's how we're meant to do it.

Homeschooling is not like you do it at school. Homeschooling is life education. It's teaching them life! That's more than sitting at books, and filling in answers, and doing a curriculum. It's life! It's life! So we'll get Jessica to tell a little bit more of the life things that they do in their home.

Maybe I'll just give you a little Scripture at the end. I always love to bring the Word into our podcast. But I love, oh, you know, when we read the Word, it's so practical too, isn't it?

I did a study a while back in Psalms. God has so many different Hebrew words about teaching our children. He doesn't just have one word. Actually, Deuteronomy 6:7, which we all know, as homeschoolers, is where we are to diligently teach our children.

We know what the Bible says. It tells us to teach them when we're sitting in our house, when we're walking by the way. Well, that would be maybe riding in our cars. Or when we're lying down, or when we're getting up. It's just every aspect of life. What happens while we're doing those things?

Now the word “Thou shalt diligently teach” is the Hebrew word shanan. It means “to whet, as in sharpening a sword. To pierce or to prick.” It's teaching that goes right into their inner beings and influences their life. It also is teaching that goes right into their conscience. It's teaching that keeps them from being dumbed down, but sharp.

I think, you know, that happens when we're teaching life. Because children somehow take it in more when it relates to something they're doing.

In that same Scripture, there's another word, because it says that we are to teach them diligently. And  then, we're also to talk about them. Talk about them, and that word is one of the most commonest words in the Bible, just about speaking, every day speaking. Just talking, communicating.

That's what we're meant to do when we're teaching. We're to talk about them when we're sitting down. Talk about them when we're doing something together. OK, we talk about what we're doing. And that's what Jessica's been saying. OK, she's doing something and she's talking about it with her children. Because whatever she's doing, she'll show them how to do it, so they can do it.

It's just how, I think, God wants us to teach our children. Let's pray.

“Father, we do thank You that, once again, we love to talk about all these things. How to mother, how to homeschool, how to truly raise our children, and prepare them for life.

Oh God, I pray for all the precious lovely mothers listening today. I pray that You will bless them, encourage them, inspire them. Lord, just remind them again that they are doing such a great job. Lord, they're in the very perfect will of God as they mother and nurture and train and teach their children.

We thank You that we are blessed to be mothers. In Jesus' Name, amen.”

Transcribed by Darlene Norris * This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

Jessica has two articles in the current Above Rubies, #98.

MY PATH TO HEALING

CHARACTER BUILDING PRAYER BOX

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