Resisting the College Trends

My husband, Ben, and I met during our Freshman year of high school. We were in a health class together and were both as shy as we could possibly be. We had both been homeschooled before coming to public school, Ben seemed so different to all the other students at school. There was just something special about him but I didnt know what. Apparently he felt the same way about me.

We didnt cross paths again for three years. Our Senior year arrived and in what seemed like a complete coincidence we ended up sitting side by side at the same table. By this time I was no longer shy, but Ben was.

We spent many weeks sitting through lunch in silence. All 55 minutes! Finally we ended up talking to each other but not about the usual things. We spent the lunch time talking about what we were learning in our “Quiet Times” with the Lord, how God was growing us and important Scriptures from the Word.

Every day Ben constantly pushed me closer and closer to the Lord. It took three month before we even realized that we had other common interests aside from our faith in the Lord. As time went by this shy guy from lunch became my best friend. I had never had such a true friend, someone who actually cared about what was going on in my life. And I knew that he felt the same way.

Prior to this time, Ben and I both decided on our own that we didn’t want the typical dating that we saw going on around us. Our friends were only getting hurt and not benefiting from it one bit, not to mention the physical snares they were falling into along the way.

We both knew that we would not date until we found the person that the Lord would make clear to us was the one we were to marry. Ironically neither one of us was aware of the other’s descisions in this area.

By the time spring arrived in our Senior year I was starting to have feelings for Ben. I didn’t understand it at all. He was my best friend and I refused to let my emotions take over this special friendship. I asked the Lord to take the feelings away and if He wouldnt take them away, then to keep them from getting in the way of our friendship.

Ben was also experiencing the same feelings and praying the same prayer. We also didnt want anything to get between us and God. Neither one of us was aware of the other’s feelings but we kept pouring into our friendship, not being swayed by our emotions.

Through the next two years the Lord deepened our friendship and in the back of our hearts our love grew for one another. During this time we attended different universities in two different states as well as Ben spending an entire summer on missions in China. Needless to say, our friendship was strengthened by many hours on the phone and many long emails!

After two years Ben wrote to me telling me that there was something he needed to talk to me about. The unfortunate part was that we wouldn’t see each other for five  months when he came home for Christmas break.

During this time of waiting I sensed what Ben would be talking to me about but it was too much to hope for. I couldnt believe that my best friend, the man I loved, could possibly feel the same way. I spent the entire semester in prayer and times of fasting asking the Lord to show us His will.

It didnt take long before the Lord made it clear that no matter what question Ben asked me I could respond with a wholehearted yes. I knew that he was the one I wanted to spend my whole life with. We already ministered to others better together than apart. There was no doubt in my mind that he was for me. Now I just had to wait. The Lord had made his intentions clear to me, but not his timing. Learning patience was a time of growth!

When the time came Ben shared his heart with me. We both confirmed that we knew that our friendship was for marriage, we just didnt know when the date would be. In this time of courtship we were very commited to each other’s purity. We loved each other enough to know that that crossing into that area would be fatal.

Ben and I chose to show our affection through hugs, smiles, and letters. We desired to be closer, but the pull was hardly difficult when we were giving it nothing to pull on.

We chose to save our very first kiss ever for our wedding day. What a beautiful moment it was. We also chose to wait to hold hands until our engagement.

We knew that we were saving our first kiss until marriage so there was only hugs and hand-holding that came before kissing. We wanted our time of engagement to be a special time that held a new type of closeness that wasn’t available to us in our courtship. So we chose to wait to hold hands until then.

Our courtship was such a special time because we spent the whole time learning more about each other and the Lord. It was almost a continuation of our friendship but with a romantic touch added.

Now Ben could tell me that he loved me and we could talk about our future together. The Lord taught us so much about love during that time. We were blessed with so many people who came into our lives that needed a little love. We ministered to many lonely and confused college students that came in and out of our lives. We also were able to have a wonderful witness to Ben’s roommates.

Often we were asked why we didn’t kiss or why I never spent the night at their apartment, or even why we never closed the door to his room, etc. Every time they asked we had a beautiful opportunity to tell them about a life that was based on something better than momentary gratification.

I am happy to say that Ben and I were married June 27, 2008. Following the Lord in our friendship and then into our courtship has been the best thing we ever could have done for our marriage. Starting out with such a foundation in Christ was critical to our marriage’s health today.

ASHLYN SHEARER
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Trusting God to Find my Man

In March 2005 I came to Marshall, Texas from Cape Town South Africa. I had been invited to the Church to participate in their discipleship training course and worked hard at becoming integrated into the church life. I worked in the church office for a while, doing administrative work and learning the ways of the house. One day a young man introduced himself to me as I was making photocopies. I recognized him as Christopher, the Praise and Worship Leader and my heart did a little flip flop in my chest when he shook my hand but I shrugged it off as nerves. I had sworn off all thoughts of relationships because I knew my heart could not be trusted. It had gotten me into plenty of trouble in my twenties and I had decided that if God wanted to give me a husband that would be fine, but if not, it was definitely safer to live life single. Besides, this was the golden boy of the fellowship, handsome, talented and a true servant heart. Some perfect specimen of woman must surely be on God’s agenda for him. I did not fit that description. End of story.

A few nights later I had a dream in which I was walking down the aisle in a wedding gown, only I couldn’t see the groom, the light was blinding. As I reached the end of the aisle there he was, Christopher. The Lord Jesus was presiding over our union and I asked him how I could marry someone I didn’t even know?  He said if I would do this for Him it would please Him. I said, okay, but I still thought there was no way Christopher would agree to this. The Lord answered my thoughts by saying he would take care of his son, as long as I was willing and obedient.

I pondered this the next day, and decided I must be delusional. I asked for a meeting with one of the elders thinking he would quickly point out what an unlikely match this was. Instead he was concerned that I was crying at such happy news. He reminded me that God chooses us from before the womb with purpose and if this was His plan He would bring it to pass. I could rest in that and not weary myself in matters too high for my understanding. He cautioned me not to speak of this dream to anyone, but like Mary, to hide it in my heart and let the Lord finish what He began. This was the first of many meetings, each one with more wisdom to strengthen me in my wait. One time he reminded me of Esther and how it took a year to purify her from the scent of the world before she could appear before the King. Another time he showed me in Genesis that God put Adam to sleep and then made Eve. Presumably, she woke first and then God woke Adam and presented her to him, so sometimes men are not awakened as long as the bride is. Long months passed.

I started working at a local business owned by one of the other elders of the church and then they hired Christopher! Daily torture ensued. I got to see the regular side of the golden boy, and found out he could be really annoying! Finally one day the Lord said to tell him what I told you. I did not obey. Humiliation is not my preferred work environment and I would just as soon crawl under a rock than give him the chance to reject me. But the Lord stayed on me and finding no peace I wrote Christopher a letter stating the facts and asking him to please release me from the promise that I had made to Jesus. I was due to leave the US in less than a month and I wanted to return home with a clean conscience. To my surprise he wrote me a note back, stating we needed to meet.

Following the longest 24 hours of my life, we met around a boardroom table and he quietly told me that he believed God had sent me to be his wife and asked me to marry him. We had not even held hands!

Our courtship was wonderful and awe-inspiring. God knit our hearts together and gave us real love for each other, not the soppy romance kind but the lay down your life kind. We were able to get my visa extended for three more months. Then a month later our lives were turned upside down by a rumor that started. It was a hard lesson in avoiding even the appearance of evil. We decided to lay down the relationship, put it on the altar and let the Lord raise it up if it was His will. We didn’t speak or see each other except in public. That was the testing of our faith that it may come forth as gold.

I prepared to return to Cape Town. A few days before my flight, Christopher met with the elder of the church and asked him if he would marry us. He said that he would. The cloud of doubt over our relationship was dispersed and we rejoiced like little children! On Thursday, Christopher and I went to get the marriage certificate. In the state of Texas there is a 72 hour cooling off period before you can be married. We planned a small informal gathering on Sunday at the elders’ house to exchange vows.  Monday I would be on a plane back to Cape Town, to complete immigration paperwork and return some months later when it was all finalized. That Friday his mother talked to someone in the senators’ office who said if we got married I didn’t have to return to South Africa even if my visa was expired! How we praised God for his mercy on us.

In 48 hours, with the help of the whole church body, we planned a true wedding celebration, with all the trimmings. A friend found me a wedding dress on the clearance rack and bought it. It fit like it was made for me. That Saturday we found four matching dresses for my bridesmaids also! The ceremony was all that I had hoped for and the blessing of the presence of God simply overwhelmed me. Just as I had seen in my dream He was there Himself bearing witness of His plan and purpose which will stand and His word which does not return to Him void but accomplishes that for which it was sent.

ABIGAIL McBRIDE
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Something Beautiful!

In February 2007, I noticed a slender, contemplative young man smiling in the corner of our professor's home. I knew him to be studious and deeply devoted to God, but it was when I saw him smile that wintry evening that something in me shifted. I began to pray for God's guidance, and we started a friendship shortly thereafter.

But I approached our blossoming friendship with much trepidation. Craig was from a stable, committed Christian family, while I had patched my faith together in the storm of an abusive childhood and adolescence, and was only beginning to heal from those experiences; not to mention the scars from my own sexual sins. I couldn't imagine that someone so pure and committed to Christ could see any beauty in my devastated soul.

But God works despite our fears and scars, and Craig and I grew closer. By the time our spring semester was over, I was certain that I wanted to marry him, but he had not confessed that same desire. We hugged goodbye, and he headed to Brazil to determine if God wanted him to serve there long-term.

For two months we corresponded via email, instant messaging, and letters. I felt like I was about to burst from concealing my growing interest in him! But I was also terrified that my abuse rendered me impure, and therefore inadequate for him. Not wanting him to be surprised by anything, I shared details of my past that I thought were fit for a friend to know, and despite my worry, tried to rest in God's sovereignty.

At the end of his time in Brazil, Craig headed to his family in Virginia and we were able to talk on the phone. He hinted that he'd come for a visit, but I wasn't sure when. On the fourth of July he surprised me at work, and on my break we headed out together to talk.

At a park we confessed our mutual affection, and shared that we thought dating/courtship was for the purpose of marriage and as soon as we determined God did not want us to marry, we would break it off. I was elated! The following day he read me a sweet poem, and handed me a present that he got in Brazil. I opened the package and saw a beautiful wooden box and thanked him.

Craig went on, "In Brazil, this missionary teaches young men skills and trades. One of them is taking old pieces of wood and frames and making jewelry boxes. What someone considered trash is now a box for someone's treasure. You should open it; there's something beautiful inside."

Expecting a piece of jewelry, I opened the box and saw each side lined with mirrors. Craig put his arms about me, "See? Now every time you look in there you'll see something beautiful. What other people treated carelessly, or abused, is actually a treasure; and I'm blessed to know that you're willing to be mine." I cried and returned his hug. One who had not been beloved, who had her purity sacrificed on the altar of perversion, was given an object lesson in Christ's love through a young man.

We married in May, 2008, and through our relationship God has taught me much concerning restoration. My fears and impurities were replaced with truth and purity; my ambition to prove myself was replaced with the desire to serve this man and our future children wholeheartedly. My tattered, stone heart was replaced with a heart of flesh. I am by no means perfect and complete, for I still struggle daily; but my husband's tender love reminds me that I am Christ's masterpiece in progress, and that I can stand on His sacrifice and love when my soul falters under the weight of the past.

GINA BACON
Columbia, South Carolina, USA

How Do You Find a Good Man?

I always dreamed of being a wife and mother. After I graduated from high school I was confused about what to do next. How should I pursue my dream? I took a year to think about it and live at home while my missionary parents were in the States. When my parents went back to Kenya I went to Bible College thinking that it would be a good way to find a man who wanted to serve the Lord.

After accumulating more debt than I was comfortable with and breaking up with a boyfriend I realized that I was doing things my own way instead of God’s way.  Dating was not working out (even though I sought to please the Lord in these relationships) and college was a very expensive place to look for a man. Because my parents were in Africa I decided to move in with my aunt and try to get back on track. I found peace submitting to my aunt’s wisdom and seeking after God. She found me a good job at the hospital where she is a nurse and put me on a strict budget so that I could pay off my debt quickly. The only “social” event I attended was Sunday morning and evening church.

It was at church that I met a man who was too busy serving the Lord to notice women. Chris was working as a garbage man during the day and ministering to homeless and drug addicted men at night. Every Sunday morning he woke up early so that he could pick up as many men who were awake and interested to go to church. I asked him if he wanted help on a Saturday night. He didn’t think I would like the places he went but he did want a woman along so that he could help some women he had met. I prayed that if this was God’s man for me that he would notice me and talk to my father about me.

The same week that I paid off my last bills we went to the city to minister together for the first time. He said that I was the only girl who wasn’t afraid in the city at night. My parents were home from Africa for some medical reasons so my father was able to meet Chris and talk about our future together. It was soon clear to us that God was leading us to serve him together. Chris was able to ask my father if he could marry me in person. After working together for only six months we were married in the church where we met. We have now been married and serving the Lord together for over ten years. We have six children, three boys and three girls.
How do you meet a good man? I tell my daughters that if they are busy following the Lord and doing things His way they will meet men who have the same priorities. When you meet a man who loves and serves the Lord don’t be afraid to introduce yourself but let God do the rest.

NAOMI LANGKAMP
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