My Journey Of Infertility

Month after month I sobbed on the bathroom floor. “Why, why, why?” was all I could ask. I poured out my heart to God, begging Him for answers that only He could give. I pleaded and wailed, made bargains and asked questions. There were no answers, no revelations from God…only quietness.

I had just started my cycle, as I had like clockwork for the past eleven years. My husband held me as I cried. He had no answers either.

Everything reminded me that I could not conceive. I would go to the store and see only bubbly infants cooing to their mommas. Maternity clothes beckoned at me from the racks, knowing that I could not buy them again this month. The infant section was not an area I could go into without crying. I skipped the diaper and baby food isles at the grocery store.

It was no easier at church. Most of my friends and family members were expecting. People made suggestions and comments that broke my heart and sent me spiraling into a dark depression.  “Just let go and let God…give it to Him.”  “Why don’t you adopt?” “You should be thankful for the two children you already have instead of fretting over the ones you can’t have.”

Why didn’t anyone care about me and the hurt I was feeling? Why couldn’t they be a bit more sensitive with their words? Why wasn’t anyone reaching out to me? I was allowing my inability to conceive to rule my life and emotions, affecting all the relationships around me. Sadly, this infertility was a product of my own doing, which only added to my depression.

I fell in “love” in 1991 with a cute boy in my class, Joel. Not long after we started dating I became pregnant. Devastated, we considered abortion. After a series of miraculous events I was not able to abort this baby. I delivered Dakota in October 1992, got married February 1995 and later gave birth to Kennedy in November 1995. Both these children were born before I was 19 years old.

I had never planned on having children. I started college part time and began seeking employment. My husband joined the military and we moved overseas. Because the military was paying for it and others recommended it, we joined the ranks of many who cut off their fertility willingly by having a vasectomy. That was 1996. I enjoyed the freedom the sterilization offered us by not having to worry about an “accident” each month. My husband and I were just 19 years old at the time.

Several years later, we moved back to the United States. A neighbor invited us to a drama at her church. We attended and, that night, both my husband and I gave our lives to the Lord Jesus Christ. We promptly found a church and began serving in any capacity we could.

I began to long for more children. I begged the Lord for a miracle. I pleaded with God, reminding Him that we had no knowledge of Him when we had the vasectomy, so why should we be held accountable for something we did in such ignorance? I cried and looked for answers to my problem. I soon heard of a procedure that reversed the vasectomy resulting in restoring fertility to a couple. I was elated! I begged my husband to check into it. He did. The base where we were stationed did reversals. Praise God! My husband had the necessary medical appointments and put his name on the waiting list.

Months later, after waiting what seemed to be an eternity, we checked with the hospital to see where we were on the list. A mistake had taken place and we were never on the list in the first place. Crushed, I asked my husband to start over, but he had received orders sending us back overseas.

God worked mightily. In 2002, Joel was able to have the reversal done in a military hospital in Europe. Each detail was orchestrated by God alone. This reversal gave me hope. I was sure we would be expecting a baby shortly.  How could we not after such a moving of the Lord on our behalf? I bought an armload of maternity clothes, knowing I would need them soon.

Month after month went by with no positive pregnancy tests. My heart plummeted into depression. Wasn’t I being obedient? If so, why wasn’t God blessing? Where was this baby I was sure we would have? Why wasn’t God answering my prayers? I reached out to other women who were suffering with infertility. I found comfort in knowing I was not alone, but none of us could really give the other what we so desired--a baby.

My husband had testing done. We discovered that the reversal was unsuccessful and we would not be able to conceive. I still prayed and asked the Lord to change the outcome. Almost four years went by as I charted temperatures, using ovulation predictor kits--and praying. Months went by. They turned into years.

In the beginning of 2006, upon returning to the United States, we decided to have the reversal done again. Once again I felt hopeful. Six months flew by and we still had not conceived. This time I started to feel peace in whatever the Lord was doing in our lives. I began to see the two children I had as blessings and slowly began letting go of the dream I had for more children. I realized that I needed to adjust my desires to God’s desires, rather than manipulating Him into letting me have my way. Sure, I still wanted to get pregnant, but I was willing to give up what I wanted and embrace what God wanted, which was much better anyway.

Slowly, my heart turned towards the subject of adoption. This was not an option for me before. My husband and children were ready to adopt, but I was holding back, hoping against hope that I could get pregnant. I began reading stories of families who adopted successfully. Ever so quietly, God prepared my heart to accept another woman’s child as my own.

My husband and I called an adoption counselor and began the process. Homestudy, applications, profiles--they filled my world for a short period of time. I had gone from being disinterested in the adoption process to wholeheartedly excited and ready to bring a baby into our home!

All I could think of was the baby God would bless us with through adoption. Three months almost to the day, after meeting our adoption counselor, we brought Isabella into our lives. I was at the hospital the day she was born. I met her birthmother and thanked her for choosing to give life and blessing me with her child. I assured her that Isabella would be taken care of and loved. The birthmother held onto the sweet little bundle for a time and then asked me if I would like to hold her. My heart skipped a beat. I accepted the little girl into my arms and my heart. Two days later, Isabella was released from the hospital to me.

As I look at my precious daughter, I realize this was the baby that I spent years praying for. This was the child God had in mind for me. I can thank and praise God for my years of infertility, for without them I would not have adopted this sweet child. Infertility has allowed me the chance to see God working in my life. As the song says, how can I know God can solve my problems if I never have them? I have witnessed Romans 8:28 in action, seeing God work good from all things, including my mistakes.

Do I still hope to conceive another child? Of course I do. However, I have decided to embrace the gifts God gives me, even if they are not wrapped and delivered in the manner I want them to be.

JESSICA DECKER

Sanford, North Carolina, USA

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Joel and Jessica’s children are Dakota, Kennedy and Isabella.

RIVERS OF JOY

When I was born, my parents gave me the middle name Anandi which means joy in one of India's many languages. This name has proven to be prophetic in my life. I have always been naturally cheerful and I began to know true joy when I gave my life to Jesus Christ at age 15. I grew up with a wonderful dad and a loving and devoted mom.  

I knew from a young age that I wanted to be a wife and mother. However, I had an extreme fear of the pain of childbirth. I don't really know where I picked that up since my mom gave birth to me at home and always told me it was the best day of her life. She hoped that one day my sister and I would also have homebirths. I used to upset her by telling her I wanted to be completely knocked out when I gave birth. I was so afraid of childbirth; I even tossed around the idea of never having any birth children but only adopting.

However, as I grew in my relationship with God, my thinking began to change. I learned what the Bible had to say about children being a blessing and about God not wanting us to live in fear.

When I was 19, I traveled on a missionary trip to India where I had the privilege of serving in an orphanage and performing dramas about Jesus on the streets. I had given up dating in high school after a painful breakup and vowed to wait for God to bring the man I was to marry into my life. I had even made a list of things I wanted in a husband and prayed over it. I wasn't looking to find him on this mission trip (romantic relationships were not allowed since we were almost all teenagers.) But three days into the trip I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this blond guy from Colorado who loved God and children as much as I did.    I also knew it was going to be a long wait since he was only 16. Wow! Two amazing years of friendship and one beautiful year of courtship later, we were married.     

During our courtship I began to research different kinds of birth control. Even though I knew I wanted to have children, I was sure I didn't want them right away.

Was I shocked when I found out that the birth control pills I had planned to take had the potential to cause early abortions. I was pro-life; therefore these pills were no longer an option for me. When I shared my concerns with my fiancé, he was amazingly supportive. He always knew he wanted a big family as well.

We took a few classes on Natural Family Planning, but ultimately decided to trust God to plan our family. We were scolded by well meaning family who were afraid we were too young and too poor to have a baby right away. We held our ground.

Lo and behold, a year passed and no baby. We weren't too concerned about it at that point. We enjoyed our first year of marriage and I busied myself caring for babies at a  daycare. A year and 1/2 passed. I was sure I would get pregnant soon. We took Bible College classes and went on our second missionary trip to India. Two and a half years passed and still no baby!

Now, family and friends were concerned for a different reason. I politely told people, that yes, we were trying, and no, we didn't feel we were to see a doctor about it. We were simply trusting God. I began to learn more about nutrition and we both started taking better care of ourselves. We took a job as assistant house parents at a Christian ranch for troubled teen girls. I loved living with "my girls" and home schooling them. More than ever I wanted to be a mom.

Three years passed. Now I was starting to get a little concerned. It was during this time I had a dream I will never forget. I was holding an adorable baby I had never seen before. The baby looked me in the eyes and said (even though it should have been too young to talk) that I was soon going to have a baby named Joy.

I woke up and wrote the dream in my journal thinking it was possibly from the Lord. I also began to pray specifically for the Lord to bless us with a baby the following September. Three and 1/2 years passed. We were two weeks away from traveling to Australia to take music classes and play in a missionary band when I found out I was pregnant! I spent my pregnancy traveling in Australia, singing and talking about Jesus in everything from bars to schools to churches. We then came back to the States to prepare for the birth.

On August 16th, after four years of marriage, our first son was born at home! He was perfectly healthy and had lots of red hair. We named him Rivers Chairo which means “rivers full of joy” -- Chairo is Greek for "full of joy, delight, or gladness". He is now eight months old and lives up to his name everyday! He is the joy of our lives. We are now starting the process to adopt a brother for Rivers from Liberia.

KRIYA HERZOG – written 2007.
Helena, Montana, USA                                        
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Trusting God in Infertility

Many people fear to trust God to plan their families. They are afraid of ending up with “too many” children all close in age. But, it is equally difficult to trust God when you want children and can’t conceive.

My husband and I are now entering our fifth infertile year following the birth of our daughter. Murren is a miracle. Seven months before she was conceived, I was diagnosed infertile. The wise fertility doctor counseled us that if we wanted to become pregnant, he could make that happen. “But,” he said “I feel confident that there is a reason your body is not conceiving on its own and I think it would be imprudent to force the issue.” He felt certain that my infertility was linked to my having cystic fibrosis. Under the circumstances, he couldn’t be sure that causing a pregnancy would be healthy for me or the baby. John and I prayed and felt we should not pursue fertility treatments. We had peace that God would do what He saw best.

It was hard. We wanted children so badly. We even started looking into adoption, but at that point in our lives, it wasn’t an option. Day after day, month after month, we left our fertility and parenthood in God’s loving hands.

We had been trying for a year when our daughter was conceived. We praised God and reveled in His grace to us and the blessing of this tiny life. During the wonder of her growth inside me, I was sure that all those problems with infertility had been healed and that I would never have to ache like that again. After she was born, life was delightful. She nursed and taught me so much. When my period returned the day before her first birthday, I was ecstatic. I just knew this meant that we would soon conceive again and our newlywed dreams of a large family would come to pass.

Soon, it was apparent that though my period had returned, my body was nowhere near fertility. Over the four years since then, we have sought help to get my body back on track. Each time the ob/gyns want to prescribe birth control, anti-depressants, or refer me for infertility treatments. Now, I have chosen a nurse-midwife and have told her that I am interested in helping my body to work correctly, but not in forcing a pregnancy. God, not man and medicine, is the Giver of Life, the Opener and Closer of wombs.

I pray every day that God will bless us with children. Murren prays that God will bring us babies so she can be a big sister. We love to see pregnant ladies and new babies, but it is always a painful reminder. Night after night I cry to God for life in my womb again.

Trusting God is never easy. It is hard to be out of control. It is hard to wait. It is hard to put my desires aside and embrace what God is giving me when it isn’t what I thought I wanted.

I try to remember to praise Him. There is a reason Hebrews 13:15 says, “Therefore let us continually offer the sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of our lips, giving thanks to His name.” When I get my Above Rubies magazine or see the bios in the annual Above Rubies Texas Retreat directory, my first inclination is to flip through and see how many children each family has. I really have to fight to praise God for having just one. It is a sacrifice to praise Him for His goodness, while the cry of my heart continues.

I praise Him, not because I am happy about it, but because He is worthy of praise. I praise Him because I am a mother, as I always wanted to be. I praise Him because I know His ways are higher than mine. I praise Him because there is still hope. He has worked miracles before and has blessed us in amazing ways, and I know He can do it again.

Trusting God has also meant learning to enjoy being the mother of one. Sometimes it is hard to enjoy Murren because I am so busy grieving that she has no siblings. I know that I must enjoy my daughter and the special time of life that we have right now, just the three of us. I may end up with a houseful of children all of a sudden and wish I’d taken the time to enjoy the quiet and the one-on-one opportunities when they were available. Or, I may ultimately end up with only one precious child and I will have wasted her childhood on wishing.

I am slowly learning to “Trust and obey, for there’s no other way to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey,” as the hymn says. I am learning to understand my purpose, not in view of whether I mother one child or five or ten, but in view of how I trust and obey my God in whatever life He gives me.

HOLLY LOUGHLIN
McKinney, Texas. USA
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Holly Catheryn and John Allan are blessed with Murren Nohah. Holly maintains “From Patient to Parent” (www.geocities.com/MurrensNatureMama), a ministry of hope to other adults with cystic fibrosis who desire to build families.