I SCRUBBED ‘TIL I WAS RAW!

Abortion! The word and the procedure are harsh. I know this because I have had one. I can assure you there is no light chatter among patients. You look at a magazine and have no idea what you are looking at or reading. No one leaves with a smile. It is a time and place of great sadness.

I would have never thought I would terminate a pregnancy. I am not looking for absolution, just asking to let this huge burden be taken off my shoulders, even though I know it will never leave me.

I was forty years old and happily married. I have two wonderful children. One child has two serious auto-immune disorders. Care and medication is expensive and the stress is overwhelming at times. When I found out I was pregnant, my husband and I were scared to death. There is a possibility for my older child to also have these auto-immune disorders, too. We were financially in debt. The burden of debt and illness had taken their toll on my husband and me.

We thought we could not have this baby. The odd thing is how easy things can get out of control. I called my gynecologist and she examined me. She determined I was six weeks. I told her that I could not have the baby. I babbled that I was too old and the possibility of serious birth defects was huge. In two days, I spoke with an obstetrician who explained the procedure to me. When I think back on it, he was a kind man and then I thought, “How do you do this for a living?” But there I was, saying yes. I signed the consent and gave the payment.

I won’t tell you the medical details but in ten minutes I had allowed for a life to end. It was so sad and painful. My husband and I walked out of the office and went home. I took a shower and scrubbed until my skin was raw. I threw my clothes in the washer and washed them. I took the prescribed antibiotics. I remember thinking, “I have lost my salvation.”

Time has not healed this wound. My husband and I are still together. My children are doing well. We are still in debt, concerns about our children’s health loom over us. All I want is forgiveness, but I can’t seem to forgive myself. I have read every Bible verse about forgiveness, but being “human” I would like to “feel” God’s forgiveness. I regret the decision completely. I didn’t trust God. I didn’t trust myself or my husband enough to open our hearts again.

Name withheld, USA