PODCAST TRANSCRIPT | Episode 91: THE PAIN OF LOSING A CHILD
FROM OUR HOME TO YOURS w/ Nancy Campbell
PODCAST 91: THE PAIN OF LOSING A CHILD
Heather Bryant continues to share about their ordeal of losing their little child. Have you miscarried, given birth to a stillborn baby, or lost a loved child at any age? You will be encouraged as you listen to Heather share how God brought her through to victory, and how He helped them to bring healing to all their family. You can also contact Heather at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.
Announcer: Welcome to the podcast, From Our Home to Yours, with Nancy Campbell, founder and publisher of Above Rubies.
Nancy Campbell: Hello, here we are again today. I have with me Heather Bryant, who was with us last week. I know you're going to enjoy Heather again today. I'm going to ask her a little more about how she has come through that trial of losing their little baby, fourteen months old.
So Heather, thanks for being with us again today. Coming all the way from Washington state, so wonderful of you. Tell me, how you know you have . . . well, at that time, I think, when little Hannah went to be with Jesus, was she number ten at that time?
Heather Bryant: Yes.
NC: Yes, you've had four since that time. So there were ten children. It was not only you and Barry who were suffering the grief, but each one of your precious children, especially Rachel. Tell us, how did she get through?
HB: Well, it was very hard. It was very hard, but I right away knew that the Lord had her heart, and that she was there. The day after the accident, you know, remember I had prayed that prayer, the Lord has said, “I will not question and I will not be angry, but You have to help my children.”
Well, the day after the accident, we were in our living room, and Rachel was sitting on the arm of our couch. She said, “Mom, remember when you had that bad miscarriage that I had to call 911 for?” I had bled out and passed out.
NC: That was just before Hannah was . . .
HB: Yes, it was two months before. When that happened, my husband yelled to Rachel, who was in a dead sleep, “Call 911!” She told me, she goes, “When I had to call 911,” this was back when she was sitting on the arm of the couch, “I had to do it laying down, because I thought I would pass out. But when I got out of the car and saw what happened to Hannah, I started to panic. But all of a sudden, I heard this voice inside my head say, 'Rachel, I've been doing this a long time, and I know what I'm doing. I don't want you to panic.'”
And she said, “Well, can I cry?” And He said, “Yes, you can cry.” And then she said, “When I was able to cry, I was able to start to focus,” and she was able to call 911.
I wasn't even there. All this was happening while I . . . This whole accident, the accident was unfolding, and God was there. Whether that was an angel or whatever, somebody was there, talking to my daughter. The thing that made me so happy was, she obeyed. She listened and obeyed and responded. It encouraged me.
It took many, many, many hours of . . . my husband would stay up late at night, wouldn't let her go to bed until she would talk to him. There were many times you could tell she was so very bothered. So very bothered.
But we as parents, we over and over and over again, would just remind the children it was an accident. Hannah wasn't ours to begin with, and if the Lord wanted her to live, He would let her live.
So we trusted Him through this. That was one of the main things that I wanted my children to learn through this, watching my husband and I, was I wanted them to see our faith in God when things were very dark. You can preach to your children when it's light, and when everything is fine, but this is the time when they're going to really see, because we are an example to our children.
They were . . . I purposed in my heart, at that time, that I wanted my children to see me trusting in God with all of my heart during the hardest time in my life, and, I know, in all of their lives, they were watching us.
NC: That was the greatest lesson you could ever give them, to see it.
HB: I wanted my children to be able to come to me as a mom. I had nine other children that were on earth that I was still responsible for. Even though my heart was shattered into a million pieces, I took my heart. I still just remembered to mentor as well. As I'm sure, spiritually, just laying my heart at the feet of Jesus, and just trusting Him, that He could hold me together, to just be there for my children, while I myself was grieving.
And He did that. In so many ways, He did that. Miracle after miracle would happen. It would literally address a heartache in me. Every time. Every time. It was just absolutely amazing. I don't think I would have had that opportunity to see all those things. I now refer to it as “I grieved with my eyes open.” You know how, when you're really super sad, and you’re really hurting, you squint your eyes shut?
But I remembered thinking about Mary after she was told that she was going to have Jesus. She was a virgin! And she was just told by the Angel of God that she was going to have the Savior! And she had never been with a man.
But I remember her purposing to hide things in her heart, like she watched things. I remember thinking, “I'm going to do that. I'm going to watch and see what God is going to do in this situation.” I was not disappointed. It was absolutely amazing.
For instance, the day after the accident, all of a sudden, my four-year-old, out of nowhere, comes running in from outside. He was like, “Mom! Mom! Hannah's in the sky!” He goes, “I tried to get her to come down, but she won't come!”
I was like, “What?” I mean, I was like, kind of baffled. He grabs my hand and drags me outside. And he starts pointing up to the sky. He's like, “Mom, see? There she is! She's flying!” My daughter, my little daughter, she was three at the time. She's like, “Hannah! Flying! Sky!”
I looked up, and I thought they might be looking at a cloud. There was not a cloud in the sky. It was a beautiful sunny day, and I saw nothing. But I knew they saw something. I just broke into tears.
But that, to me, at least in my mind, well, where is she? What is she . . . you have all these things that you, you know are truth, but they're in your head. But until they're in your heart, it really doesn't mean anything. I mean, until you know that they're in your heart. I just remembered thinking, “My son saw that.” I believed, and it's like, she's fine.
NC: That most probably gave hope to him, too.
HB: Yeah. Oh my, yeah! So a few months later, we took the children to, we surprised them, and we all took a road trip down to Disneyland. One night the same son, my four-year-old, we were walking home, it was at night. He was skipping along, like little four-year-old boys do,
All of a sudden, he got very serious. He walked back to me and grabbed my hand and said, “Mom,” he goes, “I saw Hannah again.” He goes, “But this time she was big.” And I was like, “What?”
He said, he goes, “I asked her if I could come up to her, but she said not until God said.” And then he said, “And Mom,” he goes, “Do you remember when I saw Hannah when she was a baby?”
NC: He remembered, yes.
HB: Yes! He said, “It was in the daytime.” He goes, “But when I saw Hannah when she was big, it was at night.” And he points up to the sky. Down in California, there's kind of smog, so you can't see stars. “See up there, how there's no stars? When I saw Hannah when she was big, there were lots of stars.” And then he just ran off and started skipping.
NC: How beautiful.
HB: But you know what? One of the things in my heart is that she was my baby. And I missed my baby. But when he told me she was big, it was like, I, all of a sudden, was able to kind of let that go. Not that I don't miss her, and not that, you know, but there was a part of me that was able to just . . . the mothering little baby part of me was able to just let go. Because things had changed. Who says she's not bigger in heaven?
He knew, he was saying, that little four-year-old was saying stuff that I just was blown away by. In fact. the day after the accident, I went out to him, and I think it was the Lord, but I went out to him, because he had seen her in the sky.
No, this was the day after he had seen her in the sky. And I went up to him, and he was digging in the dirt. He didn't even look at me. He's digging, and I said, “So Levi,” I go, “When you saw Hannah in the sky, was she by herself?”
He said, “Nope.” He goes, “There was a Jesus helper angel in the front,” and Jesse was the little baby that I had miscarried, that Rachel had talked about. He goes, “Jesse was behind him, and Hannah was behind Jesse.”
NC: Wow!
HB: And he just kept digging. I just was like, “Whoa!” It was like, she wasn't alone, because you always, you know, it's just . . .
NC: He wouldn't think those things.
HB: No! No!
NC: And then, what a beautiful hope. There was your little miscarried baby.
HB: Yes! Yes! Yes!
NC: So glorious!
HB: I know! It was so awesome; things were just so . . . they were miracles to me. And they were answering just perfect in my soul. And it was like an answer for those.
NC: Yes...
HB: Now, did I still grieve? Of course, I still grieved! I think I cried so many tears. I remember purposely drinking water because I thought I would dehydrate.
NC: Yes, so many tears.
HB: I did! I did! But I'll tell you another time that the Lord really just ministered to me, is that one time . . . There were times where my, my heart would just be broken. And it would just be broken all day, like the heaviness of grief would just be on me, like all day long.
But a lot of times I would go to sleep, and then the next morning I'd wake up, and it would be better, because His mercies are new every morning. So I, one day, woke up, and it had been a hard day the day before. I just so, so felt the heaviness.
My husband, at the time, he was away a lot. He was away that day, and He sent a friend . And I'm not the type that . . . I can't just call somebody and say, “I need to talk.” I'm just not that way. Maybe if I was someone and I in depth talked about something, that's one thing.
But I knew that day I had a lot to get done, and I had to! So anyway I, before my day really got started, said, “Lord, I know I wouldn't even be where I'm at mentally, emotionally, if You had not been with me and helped me. Each day I have so much to get done. And I just, I need to talk to a human. I needed someone to come to me and help me, encourage me with words. And I need them to hug me. And I don't want to ask anybody for any help.” I go, “Could you please just send me somebody?”
So anyway, I had to drop my children off at a class, my older children. I had my three-year-old daughter with me. Did a little grocery shopping, went out to lunch. I had a minivan, and I had her car seat positioned in the center of the bench seat behind me so that I could look in the rear-view mirror and see her, so we could talk.
Well, there were a lot of times, that as I was driving, I would start to cry. And I would ugly cry, silently. Like my kids could be going crazy in the back seat, and not even know. I was a hot mess as I'm driving down the road, because I had it down, I had it down perfectly. I'd just be, my face would just be a hot mess, and I'd be bawling, but no sound would come out.
So we're heading back to go pick up my older children at their class, and I am bawling. All of a sudden, I heard this little voice from the back seat. She goes, “Mama, are you crying?” And I said, “Yes, I'm crying.” And a few seconds later, I hear this, “Mama, Hannah live God.”
NC: Wow!
HB: Because we would always say that Hannah was alive with God. That's what we would always tell . . .
NC: How old was she?
HB: Three. But I just kept driving and crying. A few seconds later, I heard her voice again. And she said, “Mama, Hannah live God!” And I just kept driving and crying. And then pretty soon, I heard the voice from behind again go, “MAMA! Hannah live God!” And I said, “I know Hannah is alive with God!” She goes, “Quit whining!”
NC: Ooh...
HB: (Laughing)
NC: Wow.
HB: I'll tell you, that shocked me! As that happened, I was just driving up into the driveway to pick up my children. I opened the car door, and unbuckled Mary. She leapt into my arms and gave the biggest hug ever!
And I will tell you, I knew that those words, God had sent her to talk to me. And I got my hug from my human being. (Crying)
NC: Isn't that wonderful?
HB: Isn't that so God? And I'll tell you, that turned my whole day around. The whole day. And I will never forget that.
NC: It's those little things God does to continue to help you along the way.
HB: Yes, because I purposed in my heartache and my heartbrokenness to grieve with my eyes open. I wanted to see Him move and work. I trusted that He would take this . . . It was a mess that we had created in our humanness and build something beautiful out of it. Which I knew He could! And I know He does!
NC: Yes, so great. I think that the thing we can, we are to mourn, I mean . . .
HB: Absolutely!
NC: But we don't mourn without hope. We mourn with hope.
HB: Yes.
NC: And as we mourn, looking to Jesus, and trusting Him day by day, He just comes and heals.
HB: Right. And even, it may not, for different people, it may not be a death of a loved one. It could be finances. It could be jobs. It could, I mean, there's so many things that can happen in people's lives that we may want to carry ourselves, that the Lord is waiting to carry for us, so He can teach us and help us grow through that.
Think of what Rachel, my daughter, what if we had fallen apart? What if she had not trusted? What would that have made her feel like?
NC: Exactly.
HB: It would have devastated her. I didn't want that. You know, I felt like God took the Israelites through the desert to the Promised Land, which I feel like sometimes is our life. How they started to grumble and complain when He was taking them to the Promised Land. And I remember just going, “I don't want to stay in the desert for forty years.”
NC: That's right.
HB: And, on top of it, never getting to see the Promised Land! I don't want that. I want the fast ticket to get out of here! And I want it for my children. I'm not saying that I do not miss my daughter. I miss my daughter!
My heart aches for my older daughter. That is all there. But it's all in the hands of Jesus, because I can trust the Lord, through either me, or her dad, or people around, and I trust the Lord with my daughter Rachel. I trust Him with her heart. He can reach inside. He's the Great Physician. He's the Great Counselor. He's the Healer.
I mean, He's all those things that I told my daughter a long time ago. When this happened. I said, “Don't trust, rely on your parents or anybody else.” I said, “You hold onto God. You hold onto Jesus. You go to Him for all things because, don't let go of Him. You will need, you're going to need Him, we all need Him.”
But especially in something like this. I feel like there was a time where she was just walking on a tightrope, where she could just fall off. And yet there was Jesus, right in front of her. And He was just, hold His Hand, and you'll make it.
NC: And she held on.
HB: Oooh, yes!
NC: That's one of the most beautiful things to see Rachel today. Such a beautiful, holy daughter of God!
HB: Oh, she is! She is!
NC: She is victorious. So beautiful.
HB: She is in a place beyond even where I feel like I am. She's spiritually, she has gone to places that I . . . I feel so happy as a mom, looking at her, just going . . .
NC: I love to come to the Retreat, and just see her worshiping. It's so beautiful. Leading the whole of, all the ladies in worship . . . that's victory.
HB: It is. What Satan can use for destruction, the Lord makes something . . . it's not just put together. It is something, a new creation. Because He makes all things new. That's Who He is.
NC: I always think of that beautiful example of the three men who went into the fire, because they would not bow down to the king. You know the fourth Man, the Son of God, came into the fire with them.
I love how the Bible says they came forth out of that fire without the smell upon them. I think people come through these tragedies either one of two ways: some still have the smell on them. It's that, because they've held onto bitterness and anger. They're angry at God.
HB: He can help them!
NC: But that is the saddest thing that can ever happen, because that smell of the fire is always on them, because they haven't given it to Him. Our God is a good God, and we have to trust that He is working everything out for good. He is a good God! We have to acknowledge Who He is. He is a good God, and even in tragedy, He is a good God.
HB: He is.
NC: Because this earthly life is just so temporal. It is so temporal. And there is a real world, a world that we really don't know anything about. It is the real world. It's a world where there'll be no more crying, and there'll be no more tears, and there'll be no more tragedy. It will, everything will be worth it all then.
So precious ladies, if there's any who might be still hanging onto anger or bitterness because of things that have happened, please let it go. Just give it to Jesus, because He will take it. He will, if you mourn, not in bitterness and in anger, but in hope and in trusting Him, He will heal you.
He is the God who is our Healer. “I am the Lord that healeth thee. Jehovah Rapha.” That's not only for our bodies, it's for our souls, our hurts, and the tragedies that we go through. He can bring you into that even greater place. So trust Him, won't you?
I see, of course, in Heather, which is why I asked her to share today, because she's sharing in victory. Therefore she can encourage you.
I think it's wonderful too, Heather, don't you, how often God prepares people. Sometimes it's amazing when a child, tragically something happens to them. And they find that, even beforehand, that child is talking about heaven, and wanting to go to heaven.
HB: Yes.
NC: It's amazing, isn't it? You know, God is in everything, isn't He?
I think you were telling me once about this friend of yours who has a little boy, and he came to his mother and said, “I want to read Randy Alcorn's book Heaven.
HB: Yes.
NC: Now, you haven't even read that, have you?
HB: No! He was 10!
NC: Yes! And he wanted to read that!
HB: And he was reading it, and one day he came to their family devotions after he started reading it, and he goes, “I can't wait to die.” And they were like, aghast, like, “Don't say that!” You know?
It wasn't long after that he actually did pass away.
NC: Yes . . .
HB: He did. He was thrown from a horse and trampled.
NC: Ooooh . . . And yet God was preparing them...
HB: Yes. Yes.
NC: Isn't that incredible?
HB: Yes, but we have to just . . . .those things, when I heard this story about little Isaiah, I just . . . what a blessing, to even hear that your child wants to go to heaven, and then he ends up going. And you know where he is.
NC: Yes.
HB: Even in your heartache. His mom is one of my dear friends, and it hurt, she's heartbroken.
NC: But she has hope, knowing that he was getting ready to go.
HB: Yes. And even when I sit there and I think of people in different grieving situations like, again, I say, financial, or family members going their own way. But we serve a God that, He loves us, and He's over all. And He reaches me to trust Him, whatever it is.
Don't be angry at Him for the path that your life has taken. Trust Him. Trust, and He will never disappoint. Never. Keep your eyes open and watch for what He is doing.
NC: Yes. Amen. Oh yes, you've found too, that reading books about heaven was an encouragement to you. You used to read them to the children at that time?
HB: Yes. Yes. Yes.
NC: Yes. Tell us about the books that were specifically helpful to you.
HB: Yes. My favorite, I'm more of a . . . I'm less of a Randy Alcorn Heaven type of reader. I'm more …
NC: You're not usually a reader, are you?
HB: Right. I don't really read. I'm horrible. But I love reading about people. So one of my favorite books was Heaven sis for Real. And it was a testimony of a little . . . he was four or five at the time . . . a little boy who had , , , I think they made a movie out of it. But the book is better.
NC: Yes. It always is, isn't it?
HB: Yes. Yes. He went to heaven while he was very, very sick. And the things, he came back, eventually sharing with his parents, like he told his mom that he had met his sister while he was in heaven. She's like, “What?” And he goes, “Yes, I met my sister.” She had miscarried before this little boy was even born.
NC: He didn't even know about his sister.
HB: No.
NC: Wow!
HB: Yeah. And he had met his grandfather. So when his dad showed him a picture . . .
NC: Interrupting here, that is just such an amazing encouragement to so many of you who have lost babies in the womb, who have miscarried. You grieve, no matter what stage you lose a life. No matter at what stage.
But that little life, because every baby that's conceived is a life, is an eternal soul. And that life you will celebrate in heaven! That's an amazing thing, to think he saw his sister, and he didn't even really know he had one.
HB: Yes!
NC: Amazing!
HB: Some of those things . . . and he saw his grandpa. It was his dad's father who had passed away years before this little guy was born. His dad showed him a picture of his grandpa just before he had died, which was when he was older. And he's like “No, that's not who I . . . that's not my grandpa.”
They happened one day to be going through other photos, and he came across a photo of when his grandfather was early twenties and he goes, “There's Grandpa! That's him!” And he didn't even say, “This is your Grandpa when he was younger.” He was just flipping through the photos.
NC: And he saw . . .
HB: So those kind of things . . .
NC: Now that's interesting. Obviously, they're not old and tottering in heaven.
HB: Yes! So I just, those kinds of things encouraged me so much. This little child probably did see something, and that made heaven more real to me. I would read passages of books of people's experience of dying and coming back. It gave me a little more of an insight through someone else's experience.
I read it to my children. They just, I remember them just sitting there. You could have heard a pin drop. Because they wanted to know that too.
NC: Absolutely. And now that's how many years later? It's about 14 years since . . . or not?
HB: Well, she would have been 13. And she died when she was 14 months old. So it's been . . .
NC: So now, you know, you find that there's real healing in all the family.
HB: Yes. I feel like . . . know for sure I feel very thankful where I'm at. Sometimes I feel like I should be sadder, but then I'm like, you know what? It's because I know she's alive. I do!
I remember the night it went from my head to my heart. It did! Literally, I had to wake up my husband to tell him. Because it literally, I felt it physically move. I feel like God did that for me.
NC: Wonderful.
HB: Yeah. It didn't happen just right away. It happened months later. But it did happen. And I know she's alive. I know! I remember when my dad passed away. I was like, I'd sit there and say, “He's in heaven.” And I know he is! But it was in my head.
But this went from my head into my heart. I know, I know. You know when you know that you know? I can't even explain it. But it is something that the Lord did for me, and I'm so thankful that I know she's alive! My husband and I chose to have her, and she is, even now, beyond this earth. But she is.
NC: Absolutely. When we conceive, and life comes, if that life is taken in the womb, or later, it was . . .
HB: It was still life!
NC: Yes! It's life. It's alive, and eternal, and will live forever! And we'll celebrate that life forever! It's just so amazing.
HB: Yeah, and I've had six miscarriages, so I must have a crew!
NC: You'll have a wonderful time, meeting all these amazing children!
HB: I know!
NC: Wow! Yes!
HB: It makes you have a completely different perspective on things.
NC: Oh yes! Now getting back to the raising of your family, you told me that after each baby, you've always tried to do something new. Tell us about that. I think that's rather amazing.
I think it must be the fact that when you're creating with God, it's God Who's doing it, but you're cooperating with Him in the creation of life, and somehow it releases that creativity.
HB: I don't know about that! I've tried to sew, and I wasn't very creative with that! (Laughing)\
NC: (Laughing) I think we are all creative in our different ways. Tell us the things . . .
HB: Some of the things I have done is I've taken up . . . I've taken lessons on something after I've had a baby. Some of the things I remember, I took voice lessons once.
NC: Really?
HB: Yes, for a while, until it got too crazy. But I did. I'd always wanted to do that. I've done stained glass. I can't sew, but I did that instead of sewing, because you can piece things together. So I did stained glass for a while.
I tried all sorts of things. I do like to do crafty things. So I just, because sometimes being a . . . making meals three times a day, cleaning up mess after mess . . . I try and take time just to be able to pull out something really quick and be able to work on it. Even if it's for 20 minutes.
Now that my children have gotten older, I'm definitely, I can do more. You should see, I make signs now, and I sell them at the local shop.
NC: Yes, so now you have a store?
HB: Yes.
NC: You don't have to be there all day.
HB: No!
NC: You just make the things and put them in there.
HB: My husband and I, we work furniture, and I make signs and necklaces. You should see my kitchen. My kitchen is my art studio.
NC: Oh, lovely!
HB: Oh, it's, I've got signs and things, needle-making on one side, and signs being made on the other! (Laughing)
Or a lot of times I just stay up late. I stay up late because it's quiet. But I love those times. I'm up crafting, doing my thing. Then I have to be up at seven the next morning. I'm afraid I don't wake up before my children sometimes, but I stay up later than them to get things done. So . . . but, it works.
NC: Yes, Oh, that's just so beautiful. Well, thank you so much, Heather, for just sharing about this.
HB: Thanks for you having the podcast now, because I know you wanted me to write an article.
NC: Right, in Above Rubies.
HB: Oh, I couldn't do it!
NC: I just couldn't get you . . .
HB: I know, but I can talk! (Laughing)
NC: Yes, isn't that great! Yes, so anyway, we're going to close off again. We'll just remind you about the Retreat.
HB: Yes, the 28th, 29th and 30th.
NC: Goodness me! Yes, of this month! So, OK, hope you can come.
HB: We'll take out-of-staters too. Maybe I'll have a prize for . . .
NC: The one who came the farthest. I know!
HB: What?
NC: One of your glorious signs? Yes!
HB: Glorious signs!
NC: Wouldn't that be amazing?
HB: Now, you cannot participate because . . .
NC: No, because of me having to carry it home on the plane.
HB: I know, I might just make you one to put in. I'll make it so you can put it in your suitcase.
NC: But anyway, now before we put that on Heather now . . . So the one who comes the furthest is going to get one of her absolutely amazing signs.
So, come all you old . . . not you old ladies (Heather laughing) . . . but all you old friends. Because so many of you come back year after year, and it's so exciting to see you!
But we just love to see all these new mums. Oh, we love all you young mums coming. And the daughters, and the grandmothers. Oh, it's just so great. We'll be seeing you all there in Olympia.
Let's pray.
“Father, we just thank You we can talk about family. We know, Lord, that here on this earth, life is not always perfect. Relationships aren't perfect, things happen, we face challenges, but Father, we thank You that we can look to You, that You are in it all.
We can trust You, even when things that look a mess, Lord, You are in control. You are above it. You have got it in Your hand, in the palm of Your Hand. Everything we say, you are bigger. You are bigger! Oh God, we thank You and praise You.
“We pray today for every precious one who has lost life. You've been able to relate today to Heather. But Lord God, we pray that You will just come and comfort them again. Just totally heal them, Lord. Bring healing into their minds, their souls, their emotions, every part of their being. Let Your healing flow through them, oh God, making them whole.
“That they can with their family, with their children, with their extended family, as they go out into this world, that they can go out with their heads up. And Lord, with not the smell of fire on them, even though they've been through the fire. Lord, we pray that they'll come forth with no smell of it upon them, but with Your Glory, and with Your anointing, and Your peace, and Your victory. In the name of Jesus, Amen.”
HB: Amen.
NC: And we bless you in the Name of Jesus. Amen.
P.S. The retreat was postponed because of COVID-19 SHUT DOWN, but keep checking www.aboverubies.org for the new date which will be posted soon.